Get your boots and waterproofs on and get your stupid walking stick that looks like a ski-pole - we're going for a walk. We shall hike all the way to the newsagents. And we shall sing as we go! And there we shall get the latest Venue (in the shops Wednesday), with:

WALKING - The bracing fresh air! Away from traffic and the madding crowd! Followed by a hearty pub lunch and 16 pints of Crudgington's Old Alcoholic. We've got lots of ideas for nice walks round here.

SUNDAY - Ever feel that you could be making more of the day before Monday? We've got loads of stylish Sabbath ideas, including even a quick church guide and some ideas as to where to find the best Sunday roasts.

MICRO CHIPS - Bristol Uni shows off its new £10m research facility, making it a world leader in nanotechnology. But should we be worried about molecule-sized robots turning Clifton into grey goo? And would it be so bad if they did?

PLUS ... Leonardo DiCaprio on controversial new film 'Blood Diamond' ... Rob 'Red Dwarf' Grant ... Work, Rest and Play at City Museum ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll show everyone the photographs of you in your walking gear and bobble hat.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!

Jokes

A young girl on a year's training course in South Africa received a "Dear John" letter from her boyfriend back home. It read as follows:

"Dear Mary,
"I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

"Love, John"
Mary, with hurt feelings, asked her colleagues for any snapshots they could spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of John, Mary included all the other pictures of the men she had collected from her friends. There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:

"Dear John,
"I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f**k you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

"Mary"
(Thanks Donna)

A bunch of IT wizards thought they had created the ultimate computer, one that could answer any question. They brought in a skeptical tester who asked it, "Where's my Dad?"

The computer displayed, "Your father is fishing."
The man exclaimed, "This thing doesn't work at all! Dad's been dead for twenty years!"
The computer displayed, "No, your mother's husband has been dead for ten years. Your father just landed a six pound trout!"

(Thanks Jools)

Mike walks into the bedroom in his underpants. "What do you like most about me," he asks his wife, "My handsome face or my sexy body?"

She replies: "Your sense of humour!"
(Thanks Arn)

Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip, one priest says "Well, we've all worked together for many years, but don't really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins."

They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first priest says "Since I suggested it, I'll go first. With me it's the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system."

They all look each other again nervously, but the next priest slowly starts "Wellll ... With me, it's gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system."

The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says "This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system."

They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He doesn't say anything.
Then one of the four speaks up "Come now, we've all told our innermost faults. It's your turn." He looks at the others and starts hestitantly "Well ... My vice is that I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"

(Thanks Helz)

A man and his son were walking down the road one day. The man had one leg shorter than the other and the son suffered from a terrible stutter. Then the son says to his dad

"Ddd dd ddad I I I I ive b b b be be been th tht th thinking"
"What about son?" his father replies.
Www ww well ii iif yyyoyoyyou wwwwww walk www ww w with oo o o o one ffo ff fo foot in ttt t he ggg g gu gu g utter yy y yy you ccc c c could ww w w wwalk nn on no rmally." Said the lad.

"I'll try it if you want son." his dad said. And so he did, putting his longer leg in the gutter he was able to walk without a limp. Suddenly a bus came along and knocked down and he was rushed to hospital.

The young lad went to visit his father in the BRI and found him plastered up in bed with many broken limbs.
"I I iii ii I'm sss s s os orry ddddad," he said.
"Oh don't worry son, you know what whilst I've been laying here I've thought of a way to completely cure your stutter."
"Wwwww w whats ttttt tt that d dd dd dad?" he asked.
"Keep your f**king mouth shut in future!".
(Thanks Jim)

A man with a sore bottom decides to see a doctor, who puts him on an examination table.
Doctor: "Ah, you have a lettuce leaf growing out of your arse".
Patient: "Oh my goodness. Is it serious?"
Doctor: "It's just the tip of the iceberg".
(Thanks Chris)

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes."
"I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theatre. Not even a pet chicken."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theatre. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age it isn't anything we haven't seen before."
"Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"
(Thanks Phil. You win this week's star prize, a special edition CD of Sir Elton's 'The Captain & The Kid' - mail us a postal address if you want it.)

Please send us jokes. Best joke each week will either win something from the pile of money and jewels on one side of the Venue office, or from the pile of tat at the other side. Or you can send us a joke on behalf of your firm, club or conspiracy and we'll tell all our spamvictims your web address. So stop yer dithering, hit that reply button and plunge your throbbing shaft of humour into our eager, gaping inbox.

Surf!!

Man fries meatballs in own body fat. Mmmmmm! Body fat!
www.evaristti.com

French movie trailer for March of the Penguins. Genius!
www.youtube.com

Gangsta rappy Bristoley thing. Not worksafe.
www.youtube.com

Happy Bristol students. Bless.
www.youtube.com

An awful lot of sugar, an awful waste of time ...
missedmanners.wordpress.com

Two-headed calf
www.thedenverchannel.com

Life-skills for ladies
www.videojug.com

Suits of armour for cats and mice
www.jeffdeboer.com
 
Cute!
www.youtube.com

Campaign against bus and train loutery
www.hovis21.com

And please remember to buy Venue. The management have said they'll have to have three of us put down by the end of the month if their profits aren't big enough.