So it's January and you have huge Christmas credit card bills, an empty bank account and no sign of payday for weeks ... So spend your last £1.50 on this week's Venue. Not only can you make a nourishing porridge* with it, but you can read it as well first!
(* Technically speaking, this is a lie.)

ON THE CHEAP - Live the good life on a pauper's wage with our money-saving tips on entertainment, supermarkets, shops and markets. We also show you how to make a few quid extra and how to get stuff for free!

FESTIVALS CRISIS - Bristol's Ashton Court Festival and Bath's Walcot Nation are in trouble because of red tape and money problems. Special report.

PLUS - Win cinema tickets ... Movie special - from another Truman Capote flick (intellectual) to 'Rocky Balboa' (not intellectual) ... Bush tucker - in the Mendips! And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell the boss it was you who sold all the office chairs to buy food.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!

Jokietime ...

Be aware of this. I had a lucky escape.
I walked into B&Q at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in orange asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately I got the first punch in and that was the end of that.
Those less suspecting might not be so lucky.
(Thanks Teresa)

Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on. The first surgeon says: "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds: "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."
The third surgeon says: "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."
(Thanks Julie)

Quotes about sex
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." - Tom Clancy
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." - Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." - Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." - Rodney Dangerfield
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." - George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." - Sharon Stone
" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." - Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." - Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." - Robert De Niro
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." - Robin Williams
(Thanks Cliff)

Billy was at school this morning in the village and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out: fireman, policeman, salesman, middle manager, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.
"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England, but I was just too embarrassed to say."
(Thanks Robin)

A little old Irish woman visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.
"How about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said "Sure he won't even take an aspirin."
"Aah", replied the doctor. "Then why not give him an 'Irish Viagra': it's when you drop the Viagra pill into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how you got on."
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to whether there had been any progress.
The little old lady exclaimed, "Oh, Jayzus, Joseph and Mary! T'was horrible doctor, just terrible!"
"Really? Oh dear, what happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as ye advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a glint in his eye and with his trousers bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to shreds and took me then and there, on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"But... what was so terrible about it?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex wasn't good"?
"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine! In fact it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."
(Thanks Rina)

A new couple had moved into the house next door, and Steve soon noticed that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back garden in a skimpy bikini that showed off her large breasts to good effect. Steve took a renewed interest in gardening, cutting the grass, weeding the borders, etc. whenever his attractive neighbour was taking the sun.
The hot weather and lust finally got to him and in a moment of madness he walked to the front door of the neighbours' house and rang the bell. Her husband, a big muscular man covered in tattoos, answered the door.
"Good afternoon," said Steve, "I'm your next door neighbour and I couldn't help noticing how attractive your wife is."
"Yeah, she is. But what's it to you?" growled the man.
"Well," said Steve. "I am especially taken by her breasts. They are very beautiful. In fact, I would gladly pay you five thousand pounds if you would permit me to kiss those breasts."
The man roars, balls his enormous fists and is about to murder Steve when his wife turns up and pulls him back.
"Wait here a moment," she says to Steve. The door closes and he can hear the two of them having an animated conversation.
Finally, the door opens again and the couple beckon him in. "OK," says the husband. "For five thousand pounds you can kiss my wife's breasts."
Steve is beside himself with excitement as she offers herself to him. He unbuttons her blouse and the fabulous fleshy orbs hang free. Steve takes one in each hand and caresses them, then rubs his face in them for several minutes.
"Get on with it!" says the husband getting impatient. "Kiss them!"
"I can't," says Steve, fondling and nuzzling away contentedly.
"Why the hell not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.
"I don't have five thousand pounds."
(Thanks Mel. You win this week's star prize, a copy of an album by G4, who used to be on X Factor or something. Send us an address if you want it.)

Please send us jokes. The best one each week will win some stuff from the Venue office which you might love, or which you might want to hit with a hammer. Next week's star prize, an Elton John album, is just such a case in point. Look on sending us jokes as a form of carbon offsetting, whereby instead of driving around in your car or having a nice holiday, you sit at home or in the office mailing gags to us. So don't delay; hit that Reply button now and rub your generously-proportioned humour glands in our eager faces.

Don't go yet. Surf.

Another of those collections of ghastly 1960s/70s album covers
www.2dorks.com

Click on the links on the left to check out all 1000 different ways to open a beer bottle. I don't believe the slice of bread one.
stuff.twoday.net

Serious political stuff
www.spyblog.org.uk

Funny song about being in movies
www.youtube.com

It's a point of view, I suppose
www.ihateclowns.com

Chaps! Are you man enuff to wear one of these ... ?
www.skortman.com

This'll waste hours of your time
cityrag.blogs.com

Indescribably cute
www.youtube.com

Even more cute
thrillingwonder.blogspot.com

Keep your banana nice
www.safebanana.com
(Thanks Rachel)

Is that first or second class?
www.ananova.com

"The UK's first daily internet-only TV programme."
www.ansathat.com

And please remember to buy Venue. If you don't the management have said we have to make up their profits by standing at Bristol airport to catch the aeroplanes safely as they land.

If you want to be put on the e-mailing list and receive rubbish like this every week (well, most weeks), pop yourself on here: