It may be cold and wet outside, but in this week's Venue (out Wednesday) there's a tropical beach party going on - and you're invited! (Provided you go to the shops and buy a Venue for £1.50.)

GREEN TRAVEL - Holidays don't have to cost the planet, or involve getting stuck at Bedminster International because the runways are a little damp. Come and bask in our eco-travel guide, meet the American in Bristol who refused to fly here and see what happened when our ex-editor took the family to Albania.

WEIGHT FOR IT - Read the new warts 'n' all column by Colston Hall head honcho Graeme Howell as he embarks on a weight-loss journey.

PLUS ... Great Reading Adventure FREE reading guide ... West gears up for smoking ban ... Graeme Garden of The Goodies on the Bristol Silents film festival ... and loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

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Jokes

A 94-year-old man was involved in a number of health checks at the hospital.
He was asked to provide a sperm sample and left the hospital with the sample jar.
Two days later he came back and the nurse asked why the jar was empty, so he says "It's no good Nurse I tried it with my right hand and I tried it with me left, I got my wife to try it with both hands and even with her mouth with her teeth in and out. I also got Doris next door to try several times but it was no good ...
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... We just couldn't get the lid off!"
(Thanks Kieran)

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see. . size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure. "
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see ... 34 sleeve and ... 18 1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure ... "
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see 9 1/2."
Joe was astonished, "That's right , how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second, and said, "Sure ... "
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see ...size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
(Thanks Jack)

Q: How do you get a fat girl into bed?
A: Piece of cake!
(Thanks Welly)

The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries:
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
(Thanks Susan)

Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my arse."
The doctor says, "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look ... GOOD GRIEF! What on earth could have made a hole as big as that!!?"
Patient replies I've been f**ked by an elephant".
The doctor says "An elephants p**is is long and thin, this hole is enormous".
Patient replies "He fingered me first".
(Thanks JK)

An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was strolling alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
Turning, he saw this huge 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was still rapidly closing on him. Somehow he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was ever closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster still.
But, alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was hovering right over him, reaching for him with its huge left paw and raising its right paw to strike him. "OH MY GOD!!!!..." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving... As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around...
"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, YOU TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"
Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said: "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but, er, perhaps you could make the bear a Christian instead?"
"VERY WELL," said God in that big booming voice again. The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and began to speak: "Bless us oh Lord for these thy gifts, thank you for this food which I am about to receive ..."
(Thanks Maura. You win this week's star prize, the last copy of the Monty Python Songbook left in the office. Mail us a postal address if you want it.)

If you know of a joke, don't callously walk on by pretending it's not your problem. You can take that joke in and pass it on to us, where we will either find it a loving home with our spamvictims, or we'll put it out of its misery. And remember, the best joke each week can win a prize; next week's winner will be getting a CD by some bunch of pretty boys off X-Factor. It looks vile, but your grandmother might want it. So don't delay! Hit the reply button now and say something funny.

Surf!

Very weird art
www.travislouie.artroof.com

France cracks down on smokers
www.liveleak.com

This is neither ethical nor funny.
www.honda-tech.com

Interesting invention. Now, any volunteers to try it out? Thought not.
www.google.com

How they dispose of unwanted computers in rural Kentucky
www.misscellania.com

Government tells you how to be greener
www.direct.gov.uk

Just what the world needs
www.carrotmuseum.co.uk
(Thanks Robin)

OK, there's plainly something I'm not understanding here ... Possibly not worksafe!
www.maskon.com

What tastes better? Dog food or cat food?
www.jimmeruk.com

Photographs of all manner of different things in rubber johnnies. Nice.
thingsinrubbers.com

"Is this the most boring lion video ever?" asks Guy, who should know, as he's the one who put it on Youtube.
www.youtube.com
(Thanks Guy. See also http://www.lowveldnet.co.za/)

Rachel writes to the Spam: "Today I'm begging you to add a link that isn't funny at all to your list. It's for staffycross, a charity who focus on rehoming abandoned dogs, and educating people about bullbreeds. Given the current climate of hate, high emotion and misinformation, I'd really appreciate it of you could help us persuade more people to blame the deed, not the breed; to look to the actions of owners rather than dogs ..."
www.staffycross.org

And please remember to buy Venue. If you don't the management have said we have to make up their profits by standing at Bristol airport to catch the aeroplanes safely as they land.

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