This is your last chance to buy a copy of Venue magazine in 2006. Like a great big pot of curried leftovers, the bumper two-week issue is full of interesting things:

2006 REVISITED - Let us hold hands and skip merrily down Memory Lane to look at all the joys and disasters in Bristol in 2006. And join us for our Top Bananas of 2006 Awards ceremony - the people, events, bands, bars and restaurants that we thought were top of the heap this year.

SEASONAL SURVIVAL GUIDE - Christmas and New Year? That's happy and stressful all mixed up. That's why you need Venue, packed with ideas for things to see and do to stop you killing the in-laws.

PLUS - NYE party and clubbing roundup ... The world's most cynical seasonal telly guide ... and loads more, including your complete local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll send Auntie Doris the photos of you taking the Christmas present she gave you back to the shop to get the money.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!

Special Turkey-Flavoured Christmas Joke Special Specialness

He laid her on the table,
So white, so clean, so bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat,
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast,
Then, drooling, felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide, he looked inside,
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms,
... And then he stuffed that turkey!
(Thanks David)

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the elves had Hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
(Thanks Sara. We have that one every Christmas, so it's kind of traditional.)

Darth Vader: " Luke, I know what you are getting for Christmas."
Luke Skywalker: "How do you know?"
Darth Vader: "I have felt your presence."
(Thanks Mags)

Pete's family is at dinner, the 10-year-old daughter isn't eating much, and she just keeps her head down... After a few minutes, she says, "I have something to tell you." Everyone gets silent and they all listen. "I am not a virgin any more." And she begins to cry.
A long silence, and Pete says to his wife: "It's your fault, you know, always dressed and made up like a tramp. You think that's an example for your daughter? Always wallowing on the sofa; it's just terrible; that's why problems like this come up!"
His wife is furious: "And YOU! Do you think that you're a good example? Wasting the miserable pittance you earn down the pub with your mates - do you think that's a good example for a little girl of ten?!?"
Pete charges back in: "And her sister, that scrubber, with her hairy, druggy unemployed boyfriend, always with their hands all over each other and screwing in every room in the house - you think that's a good example too?"
The argument goes on and on, back and forth.
Then the grandmother hugs the little girl to console her and asks, "Now, dear, tell us; how did this happen?"
And the little girl answers, trying to hold back her sobbing: "The teacher chose another girl to be the Virgin in the Christmas play this year."
(Thanks Jelf)

Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a chance to rest. And they deserved it. They had done a good job. Rudolph had a chance to do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He made an appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his looks.
However it wasn't his glowing proboscis that he wanted changed. He was proud of his nose and the help he had given Santa because of it. No, he was sensitive about his long ears which were much more prominent than the ears of the average rain deer, or bear for that matter. So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the reconstructive surgery procedure, and since that time, January 1st has been celebrated as ... New Ears Day.
(Thanks Anon)

Rudolph and Dancer were in the stables talking.
Rudolph: "I don't think much for that new trainee reindeer, Bernard."
Dancer: "Really? Why's that?"
Rudolph: "Well, for one, he's behind me. And two, he's useless at stopping."
(Thanks Billy)

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were going up in the lift of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a £20 note lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?
A. Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

Q. What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?
A. Tarzipan!

Q.What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas ?
A. Grave-y !
(Thanks to Sue for those)

A Sunday School teacher was telling her charges all about the birth of Jesus, the stable, the manger, the shepherds, the Three Kings and ended off by saying: "Well children, that was all a very, very long time ago. More than 2,000 years ago. And where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"
The teacher was taken aback, but after a few moments she asked the boy how he knew this.
Little Johnny said, "Well, every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
(Thanks Hen)

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger.
One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.
"Write that down, Mary," said Joseph "It's better than Derek."
(Thanks Sam)

A man in London calls his son in Bristol two days before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your Mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad! What are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says, "we're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Glasgow and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way are they getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls London immediately and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there by tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're both coming for Christmas. And they're paying their own way."
(Thanks Tony. You win the Christmas star prize of - ahem! - the soundtrack album of the London Palladium production of The Sound of Music. Mail us a postal address right now if you want it.)

Please send jokes for the New Year. The more jokes you send, the more weight you'll lose and the less you'll want to smoke. And if yours is the best joke of the week, you'll win something from the big pile of something in the Venue office. Don't waste another minute; hit the Reply button and thrust your jokes urgently into us.

Christmas Surfytime!

Christmas Sprout game
www.eyegas.com
(Thanks Hairy)

Advent Calendar
calm.adventcalendar2006.co.uk
(Thanks Bernie)

Ugly Christmas lights
www.uglychristmaslights.com

Control Alek's lights over the web:
www.komar.org

"The ultimate in Yuletide technology"
www.usbmincepies.co.uk

Worth a look if you've not bought a tree yet ...
www.hammacher.com

I've not eaten any of but feel sick already
jellybelly.com

Geek tree
www.mediatinker.com

Download a yule log to yer iPod
cw11.trb.com

Christmas letters to Christopher Walken
www.brandonbird.com

Not forgetting Bristol's own advent calendar:
www.electricdecember.org

Car for Sale (not Christmassy at all, but very funny)
cgi.ebay.co.uk
(Thanks Rachel)

That's it. A very Merry Christmas and stuff! We're back in a fortnight.

P.S. Please buy the bumper double issue of Venue. The management have said they'll show us a photograph of a lovely warm fire on Christmas Day if you do.

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