Christmas shopping! Brilliant! Spending money you don't have on stuff you don't want to impress people you don't like (whaddya mean, 'cynical'??) ... But the greatest gift of all, the most wonderful lovely present you can buy yourself is this week's Venue. Yes, it is:

BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED - Venue's award-winning Christmas gift guide has loads of brilliant present ideas from proper local shops.

SINGING - Pop idols, carol singers, choirboys, that annoying guy in the office humming the Wallace & Gromit theme tune... Everyone's breaking into song. Meet some of the people doing it, and find out where to join in the fun yourself.

BARRINGTON TABB - you might not recognise the name, but you'll know this painter's quirky and much-loved local scenes.

PLUS - Bath's cross-dressing company ... Bristol Arena plans latest ... Tenacious D ... Where to see Santa ... Richard 'Watership Down' Adams ... and loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

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Jokes

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams. Don't worry about that", says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
"Oh my God", says the old lady, "now what is happening?
"Not to worry", says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." I can't do this", says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there", says St.Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so", says the old lady, "but at least I've already got the holes
for that"
(Thanks Pam)

Little Ray was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Ray, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Ray, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger t1ts, you'd be a ten!"
(Thanks Nick)

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in eight hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen"
God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the chequebook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1pm. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9pm he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied:
"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
(Thanks Donna)

A teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
Little Mary raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"
(Thanks Jack)

A widow whose singular vice
Was to keep her late husband on ice
Said "It's been hard since I lost him -
I'll never defrost him!
Cold comfort, but cheap at the price!"
(Thanks Hannah)

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You dirty-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell " Mississippi'."
(Thanks Nick)

Dave's six. He's sitting on the stairs and his mum's watching him.
He's got a big bag of jelly beans, and the family cat.
He grabs a jelly bean and pops one in his mouth. Next he gets hold of the cat and bites it. Then he moves up a step.
His mum looks a bit aghast, but keeps watching, to see what'll happen next.
He does it all again. Now at this point, his mum's starting to think he's got the wring idea about animals, so she asks him what the hell's going on.
He promptly replies....
"I'm playing truckers; 'popping pills, eating pussy and moving on'."
(Thanks Rachel)

The Boss was in a quandary. He had to fire somebody.
He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision; they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over, after partying all night. She went straight to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The Boss approached her: "Debra, I've never had to do this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Would you mind jacking off?" she says, "I feel like shit."
(Thanks Matt. You win this week's prize, a review DVD of Through Hell and High Water, a documentary about the two naked men rowing across the Atlantic. Send us an address if you want it.)

Please send us jokes, as in the Venue office we find them a useful food-substitute. Send us a gag in your private capacity and you could win some stuff. Send us a gag on behalf of your club, company or the KGB and we'll tell everyone your web address. So don't delay; hit that Reply button now and urgently plunge your whimsy into our moist and yielding inbox.

Surfy

Drunk burglar. You will cringe.
www.courttv.com

Sign the E-Petition
petitions.pm.gov.uk

Offensive. Send to best friend, not mother.
www.geogreeting.com

Tim to quit smoking. Really. Just. Stop. It. Now.
nhsblogdoc.blogspot.com

"Britain's only adult village website"
www.lynehamvillage.co.uk/

Grossly cruel and cruelly gross ...
one.revver.com

Fat blokes of the world united in a "brotherhood of flab"
ccgi.angusmcintyre.plus.com

Online vigilantism or necessary nonce-baiting? You decide (not worksafe!)
www.catchaperv.com

Not much of a video, but a terrific song
www.youtube.com

Reasons the internet should be un-invented, number 478
www.llb.co.uk

Jolly animation plus the Python song:
dingo.care-mail.com
(Thanks Pam)

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