This week's Venue is new and improved and more dear.* There's better food & drink coverage, more local news and comment, more interviews AND a fancy-pants new look (the consultants charged £10,000 for each of the coloured dots they've added to the design). It also comes with added fish oil and Vitamin V to make you more intelligent, alert and keep your coat soft, lustrous and glossy.

* That's "dear" as in more cherished, beloved and valued.**
** And as in a few pence more expensive.

This week we go looking for Bristol's best nights out:

CRAWL STORIES - Care to join us on a pub crawl? 'Course you don't. It's a vile, disgusting, harrowing thing. Read about it instead.

DECKS APPEAL - Come clubbing with us and find out why Bristol and Bath is best. And then find out where you can get a decent meal - from bacon butties to Baltis - in the middle of the night.

PLUS - Borat interviewed ... Neil Innes on The Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band ... Fab fireworks guide ... and loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now*. Your favourite teddy-bear is going to light up the sky with this here Guy Fawkes rocket if you don't.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.49 a month! Do it now because the price goes up next week!!

Jokes

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
(Thanks Nick)

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.
He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you??! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding! She died more than two hours ago. What'd you shoot?
(Thanks Jack)

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Accountant jokes
An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The accountant said, "I like both."
"Both?"
The accountant replied "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

What's the definition of an accountant?
- Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
- Someone who has a loophole named after him.

What's an extroverted accountant?
- One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.

What's an auditor?
- Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
- Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a roadmap the wrong way.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
Depreciation.
(Thanks Karen)

A young boy went up to his father and asked, "What's the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father ponders for a moment and then answered "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid and also ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid, then come back and tell me what you learned."
So the boy went to his mother and asked "Mum would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid?"
The mother replied, "Definitely, I wouldn't pass an opportunity like that."
The boy then went to his older sister and asked "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid?"
The girl replied "Oh gosh, I would just love to do that, I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity."
The boy then thought about it for a few days, and went back to his father.
His father asked him "Did you find the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on 2 million quid, but realistically we're living with a couple of slappers."
The father replied, "That's my boy."
(Thanks NKML; you win this week's star prize package; a review copy of the soundtrack to that film about Zinedine Zidane that no-one went to see and an X-Men 3 T-shirt. Send us an address if you wantum.)

Fight global warming! Instead of flying off on holiday or driving around in a car, sit down and send us jokes instead. The best one we spam out each week will win some stuff from the Venue office which would otherwise go to landfill! Just hit that Reply button and spooge your creamy humour onto the tissue of spam.

Some links afore ye go:

Cartoon animation of a girl spinning a leek while singing in gibberish. Kinda mesmerising.
www.leekspin.com

A website about spiders with some amazing pics
giantspiders.com

We have no idea what the hell this is about, but it's rather disturbing
www.youtube.com

Album cover genius
www.youtube.com
(Thanks Robin)

Desperate, gullible and stupid? Look no further ...
www.spiritualcinemacircle.com

This is why everyone in fashion and TV will burn in hell
www.youtube.com

At last! A new obscure sex fetish from Japan!
www.pureweb.jp

Cats that look like Hitler
www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com
(Thanks Rachel)

How to be an American tourist. We thought this was the funniest thing we've read in years. That might just be us, of course.
www.zompist.com

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