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Put on your blackest clothes and walk slowly and solemnly to the newsagents for this week's Venue for ...
FUNERAL FUN - Time was when you got sent off by a vicar in a graveyard or crematorium, but the British Way of Death has changed dramatically in recent years. Nowadays you can opt for anything from a 'green' woodland burial to getting shot into space. Come join us as we met the people putting the fun into funerals.
PEOPLE'S HISTORY - Bristol holds its first ever Radical History Week, looking at how the past was for us ordinary folks rather than the great and good. Plus meet the man behind the Bristolian scandal sheet.
BATH FILM FEST - Now in its 16th year and coming to you with a hot "art versus porn" controversy all of its own.
PLUS - WIN Dinner for two at Demuths ... Martin Fry of ABC interviewed ... British Sausage Week ... Hobbs Fashion Show pics ... Family Halloween happenings ... and loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now*, or we'll tell the papers you were once married to Heather Mills.
*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.49 a month!
Jokes, is it?
Over lunch, Little Johnny's Dad asks him what he learned in Sunday School that morning.
"Well, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"What!" laughs his father. "Come on Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?"
"Well, no, actually. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe a f**king word of it."
(Thanks Mike E.)
Q. What's the first sign of madness?
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A. Suggs coming up your driveway!
(Thanks Lauren)
Wendy's dishwasher stopped working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll post you a cheque."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wendy's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him mad the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
(Thanks NKML)
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Pretty please help us with this dead important market research which will help us nice up www.venue.co.uk It only takes a few minutes and you could be one of four winners of fifty squids to spend at online book/record/everything shop Amazon.
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As a mother passes her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: "what in the world are you doing?"
The daughter replied: "Mum, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband! please, go away and leave me alone."
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was
doing, the daughter said: "Dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. please, go away and leave me alone."
A few days later, Mum came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room.
She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch,
buzzing like crazy. She asked: "What the hell are you doing?"
He replied: "I'm watching football with my son-in-law."
(Thanks Toni)
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Going to bed in a silent mooching about bate the man realised that the next morning, he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00am for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and lose) he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5am."
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the husband awoke only to discover it was 9am and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him up when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The note said 'It is 5.00am. Wake up".
(Thanks Donna)
Bono is at a U2 concert in Glasgow when he asks the audience for some quiet.
Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone...
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice from near the front pierces the silence...
"Well, f**king stop it then!"
(Thanks Jack Ð you win this week's star prize, a review copy of CLARKSON: THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY, a DVD of Britain's best-loved petrolhead driving things in America. Send us an address if you want it. Meanwhile, Karen, you have still not claimed your prize from last week, the CD of Cliff Richard singing duets with people. PLEASE tell us where to send it to.)
Please send jokes. Best joke each week from a private personal person wins a personal prize from all the cool stuff (are you sure about this? Ed.) in the Venue office. Send us a joke on behalf of your club, band or firm and we'll tell everyone your website address by way of complementary advertising. Nice. Don't delay; hit that REPLY button right now and spurt your whimsy all over our heaving chests.
Some links for the road
One for serious connoisseurs of US politics.
radaronline.com
A new perversion for chaps to try NOT WORKSAFE!!
blackroses.textfiles.com
Hours of vehicular fun
www.busselecta.com
(Thanks Sarah)
Darth Vader vs. the Cops
www.youtube.com
Unfortunate name
www.telegraph.co.uk
Earth at night. Gorgeous.
antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov
Cynical advert dishes dirt on cynical business
www.boardsmag.com
This might be worth looking at, though we've not tried it ourselves yet
www.ethicaldownloads.co.uk
World's worst amateur stuntman
video.google.co.uk
The Executive Colouring Book brilliant!!
commercial-archive.com
And please buy Venue this week. They're going to outsource our jobs to a room full of monkeys if you don't.
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