"Do not have anything in your home which you do not consider to be beautiful," said some dead Victorian artist geezer. And nothing in your home could possibly be more beautiful than this week's edition of Venue magazine, bejewelled and decorated with:

INSIDE OUT - Your FREE 68-page local homes and gardens guide, with expert tips and the essential local trade and handyman directory.
LOCAL HEROES - From the biggest independent fashion event in Europe to the mother of all prog rock events, the West is brimming with ordinary folk doing extraordinary things. We catch up with the promoters putting blood, sweat, tears and their own money into making amazing things happen.
LEGAL HIGHS - Drugs. Things that do funny things to your brain. They're all illegal, right? Wrong. There are a load of legal highs available through shops and mail order right here. See all the beautiful colours and things that happened when we tried some.
PLUS ... Naked bike riders ... Win tickets for new movie made in Bristol ... Meet the Kipperman (he sells kippers) ... Richard ('Uncle Monty') Griffiths and Alan Bennett on 'The History Boys' ... Best autumn tree walks ... and loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now*, or we'll come and give your house a makeover, mostly by painting it purple and day-glo orange. Purple and day-glo orange is the new magnolia, you know.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.49 a month!

Jokes

Two guys in a bar, one says to the other, "Did hear the news - Mike is dead!"
"No! That's terrible! What happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and - boom! - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, too. He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall got electrocuted. Ten thousand volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No, no, he survived that, he ..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"
"I got my shotgun and shot him."
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"Because he was wrecking my bloody house."
(Thanks Maura)

A woman was having a passionate affair with a man from Rentokil. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "hide in the wardrobe!" and she pushed him in the wardrobe, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the wardrobe.
"Who are you?" he asked him. "I'm from Rentokil," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said ... "Those little bastards!"
(Thanks Al3e)

Jeff phones the mental hospital. "Is there anyone in room 27A?" he asks.
"No," replies the receptionist after checking. "That particular room is empty."
"Great!" says Jeff. "That means I really did escape!"
(Thanks Billy)

A young gay man finally decided that it was time to come out of the closet to his parents. He went home, where he found his mother in the kitchen, cooking. He sat down at the table, and decided to just blurt it out. "Mum, there's something I have to tell you. I'm gay."
His mother continued stirring a pan on the stove for a few moments before turning to him and asking calmly: "Does that mean that you have oral sex with other men?"
"Erm, uh, that is, I guess yes," he said nervously. "Yes I do."
His mother turned around and whacked him on the head with her wooden spoon.
"So don't you EVER complain about how my cooking tastes again!!"
(Thanks Helz)

Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were up in a hotel room and decided that they wanted to have sex. Well, the first thing Minnie asks is, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald says "No."
Minnie tells Donald that if he doesn't get a condom that they can't have sex and suggests to Donald that he go buy a condom. She says that maybe they sell them at the front desk.
Donald proceeds to go downstairs and gets to the front desk. He asks the hotel receptionist if they sell condoms. The clerk says "yes we do" and pulls one out from under the desk and gives it to Donald.
The receptionist asks "Would you like me to put that on your bill?"
Donald says "What do you think I am? Some kind of pervert?"
(Thanks Kim - you win this week's star prize, something so lovely we can't tell you about it in case you die of excitement. Let's just say it involves DVDs and Cliff Richard. Send us an address if you're hard enuff to handle it).

Please send jokes. It's that kind of time of year. Best joke every week wins a prize of something fabulous from the pile of lovely things in the Venue office. Or send us a joke on behalf of your club, business or North Korea and we'll tell all our spamvictims your web address. Don't delay - just hit that REPLY button and make us laugh. Nice.

Don't go yet. Let us love you a little longer with some links:

Astonishing miniature art:
www.willard-wigan.com

"Come and do the hand-teddy polka"
www.youtube.com

SO ... Which uber-trendy overpriced ponce bar/restaurant round these parts will get one of these first? Beats anything from Armitage Shanks any day, mind
www.clarkmade.com

If you ever fancied being shot, this amazing slo-mo footage might put you off.
video.google.com

This is what we're all wearing this Halloween
shop.newline.com
(Thanks Robin)

We hope this isn't true.
www.dailygut.com

Everyone's talking about him
www.borat.tv

Disabled dog has own blog.
www.homegypsy.com

Good cause funnyness.
www.amnesty.org.uk

I want one of these! Then I can be a girl!
rebounddesigns.com

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