You don't need a degree to get this week's edition of Venue. All you need to be able to do is give money to a newsagent, and be able to read:

STUDENTS - They're back, all 50,000 of 'em. So just how do Bristol and Bath cope with the onslaught? We ask local bar staff, shopkeepers, rozzers and uni staff, then do some advanced mathematics about how much we love them financially.

OXJAM - There's a massive month's worth of music to suit all tastes in this humungous making-poverty-history event for Oxfam.

PAUL RODGERS - Former Free frontman talks to Venue about his solo tour, collaborating with Queen, performing 'All Right Now' - and getting naked with Cherie Blair.

PLUS ... Felicity Kendal interview ... Win cinema tickets ... The West's disappearing petrol stations ... New real food market ... Black & Asian Film Fest ... AND loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now*, or we'll tell the Council that you've got a doormat.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.49 a month!

Jokes

Waiter (presenting bill to table full of Jewish ladies): "So ladies ... Was anything alright?"
(Thanks Jim)

A fleeing al-Qaeda guerilla, desperate for water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.
The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."
OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie."
(Thanks NKM)

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much, and I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me"
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man. " She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The next day I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, Honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all, Dear, Let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, Honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
(Thanks Fiona)

A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.
More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"
After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" sobs the Porsche owner. The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you." The Londoner looks down in horror...
"F@*KING HELL!!" he screams... "Where's my Rolex??"
(Thanks Phil)

What do you call a lady with one leg shorter than the other ?
Ans: Eileen
What do you call a Chinese lady one leg shorter than the other?
Ans: Irene!!!
(Thanks Tish)

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my guide dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought "what the heck", so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my guide dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? The bastards gave me a Chihuahua!?!?"
(Thanks Jack)

Last night, my wife and I were sitting on the couch in the living room and watching TV. There was a story on the news about a poor woman who'd been in a persistent vegetative state in a hospital for years. And I turned to my wife and said, 'Don't ever let me get like that. I wouldn't want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If it ever happens to me, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
(Thanks Simi, you win this week's star prize, a collection of review CDs from several leading recording artistes, including a single from Sheryl Crow and Sting. Send us an address if you don't want us to take the Music Department's Reviewing Hammer to them.)

Please send us jokes. We've now officially used up all the ones we were sent while we were on holiday this summer, and there's a bleak autumnal nip in the air as the leaves fall from the trees, reminding us of the inevitable death of all things. Cheer us up bigly with a joke and you could win some trash from the Venue office. Or send us a gag on behalf of your club, small local business or Labour Party leadership candidate and we'll tell everyone your web address. Just hit that there reply button and amuse us. We're easily pleased.

Surfy!

Dead cute otter
www.funpic.hu/
(Thanks Chris)

The world's leading 'fat acceptance' weblog
www.bigfatblog.com

How to survive High School
www.youtube.com

Hitler rap. In German, mind.
www.youtube.com

The great legalise-it debate. Very funny.
www.youtube.com
(Thanks Robin)

If this was on Eurotrash, we'd believe it, but since it's on a loony right-wing American site, we're not so sure
worldnetdaily.com

Make your own tinfoil hat
www.ericisgreat.com

Enough to turn a tiger vegetarian:
www.slashfood.com

Colouring book - NOT SAFE FOR WORK (or primary school)
www.lastgasp.com

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