So how well do you think you know the old place? Well enough to find the newsagents' shop? Then get there for the latest edition of Venue, as it's a bit special this week:

THE BEST OF BRISTOL AND BATH - Whether you're new in town or whether you've lived here for 128 years, you'll find Venue's FREE 228-page guide dead useful, with everything from shops to restaurants, pubs to useful local websites. It's aimed at students but it's good for grown-ups too, and there's 16 pages of money-saving vouchers!
LOOKALIKES - Some people make a living pretending to be other people; from wannabe Chers to the spit of Bob Hoskins via Anthony Hopkins and Maria Sharapova, we meet some of them to find out what life is like for a lookalike.
PLUS ... Future guru James Martin ... Win Circus tickets ... The summer's silliest news stories ... Bath Food Fortnight ... World Trade Center movie arrives ... AND loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now*, or we'll show everyone the photographs of you doing the half-marathon in a taxi.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.49 a month!

Jokes, then ...

A County Cavan man goes for a job on a Dublin building site as an odd-job man. The foreman asks him what he can do.
"Anything."
So the foreman asks him, "Can you make tea?"
"Yesh, I can make great tea."
Then the foreman asks, "Can you drive a forklift?"
"Why? How bleddy big is the teapot?"
(Thanks Maura)

George, age 92, and Edith, age 89, had been seeing each other for 2 years when they decided that life was too short and they might as well be together for the rest of their lives. Excited about their decision to become newlyweds, they went for a stroll to discuss the wedding and what plans need to be made. Along their way, they found themselves in front of a pharmacy.
George said to his bride-to-be, "Let's go in. I have an idea." They walked to the rear of the store and addressed the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?" asked George.
The pharmacist answered, "Yes, sir. How can I help you?"
George: "Do you sell heart medications?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
George: "How about support hose for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
George: "What about medications for rheumatism, osteoporosis and arthritis?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
George: "How about waterproof furniture pads and depends?"
Pharmacist: "Yes sir."
George: "Hearing aids, denture supplies and reading glasses?"
Pharmacist: "Yes."
George: "What about eye drops, sleeping pills, Geritol, Preparation-H and ExLax?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
George: "You sell wheelchairs, walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds and sizes. Why all these questions?"
George smiled, glanced shyly at Edith and replied to the pharmacist, "We've decided to get married and we'd like to use your store for our Wedding List."
(Thanks Jack)

An attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. He does so and she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Well, can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" the woman asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his thick hair.
"I'm afraid he's out," breathes the barman -clearly aroused "is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to lick them gently.
"When he gets back, tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies'.".
(Thanks Rogg)

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f**k your brains out, and suck your t*ts dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
(Thanks Kaeti)

NURSERY RHYMES FOR BIG PEOPLE

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

JACK AND JILL went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

SIMPLE SIMON met a pieman going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pieman
"What have you got there?"
Said the pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb #$%!"

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

(Thanks for those Pam. You win this week's star prize of course, which is a copy of The Monty Python Songbook, so's you'll now know the words to the Spam Song.)

Please send us jokes. Big ones, little ones, bad ones, good ones. We're not proud. One single joke from you will feed a family of 38 Venue staff for a month, and the resulting manure can be used for warmth. Send us a gag in your personal capacity and you could win a prize. OR you can send us a joke on behalf of your club, nut group or group of Concerned Mums Handing Their Kids Cheeseburgers And Heroin Every Lunchtime Through The School Railings, and we'll tell everyone your web address. Mmmmm! Fattening!

Just hit that Reply key and make us laugh like idiots.

Don't think, surf ...

Guy tries it on with airport security and a vibrator
www.zug.com

New UK satire site
www.newsbiscuit.com

Fun-loving larrikin tries to make fast buck ...
www.theregister.co.uk
(Thanks Jack)

70s-tastic Bollywood sequence
www.youtube.com
(Thanks Robin)

How Wikipedia works:
www.youtube.com

"Welcome to the greatest collection of dogs barking in cars in the history of the universe. Ever."
www.dogsbarkingincars.com

New internet radio station for N. Bristol
www.southsound.org.uk

Now even some US cops say legalise it all:
www.leap.cc

Google, only without all those incredibly irritating corporate sites at the top of your search return.
www.givemebackmygoogle.com

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