Hurrah! The Spam is back! If you thought we'd forgotten about you and were going to stop bothering you, you were muchly mistaken. The Spam Department was on its holidays, is all, on a well-deserved sunny break from the dank dungeons of Venue. A lovely holiday in the Mediterranean, since you ask. Chained to the oars of a trireme galley owned by an ancient Roman general with a penchant for water skiing.

But now we're back, tanned, fit and lovely and rarin' to go! So pack the sandwiches and the ginger beer and hop aboard our luxury air-conditioned coach (it has no roof) for a wonderful day out at the newsagents to see the latest edition of Venue:

DAY TRIPS - Squeeze the last drops out of summer with our guide to some of the weirdest day trips to be had round these parts ...

RICHARD DE MEATHE - The "Tarot Grandmaster" who's read the fortunes of Princess Di, Bill Clinton and Elizabeth Taylor comes to town, so we send a cynical hack to ask him why he's not won the Lottery yet.

PLUS ... Bath criminal's killer business idea ... WIN snowboarding gear ... Bristol's biggest fashion show ... Bristol's most-hated eyesore to be demolished ... Christmas menus - time to book that office party now ... Armistead Maupin interview ... PLUS ... loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now*, or we'll get the council to place a sinister secret electronic spying device in your wheelie bin. Oh. Right.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.49 a month!

Jokes ...

Have you heard about the new range of sun block called Irwin? Protects against harmful rays...
(Thanks Karen)

Jock was digging peat at his croft when a passing American tourist asks, "How much land do you have here?"
"About two acres" Jock replies.
"You know back home it takes me a day to drive around my ranch!" the American boasts.
"Aye", says Jock " I once had a car like that."
(Thanks Maura)

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, ÒAll of you bast%rdsds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you ba@%ards who are getting on, get the f%@k on, cause we're going down the tracks".
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play With your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under Your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added ... "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."
(Thanks Fiona)

Two nuns are driving home one night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet of their car. The nun that is driving turns to the other nun and says " show the vampire your cross".
She says OK, winds the window down and says: "Get off the f**king car!!"
(Thanks Happy Gasgirl)

Jim strolls into the paint section of a hardware store and walks up to the assistant. "I'd like a pint of canary-coloured paint," he says.
"Certainly," says the clerk. "Mind if I ask why you need it?"
"My parakeet," says Jim. "See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so sweetly that I know he's sure to win."
"Well, you can't do that, Man!" the assistant says. "The chemicals in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!"
"No, they won't," Jim replies.
"Listen, Buddy, I'll bet you ten quid your parakeet dies if you try to paint him."
"You're on!" says Jim.
Two days later Jim comes back looking very sheepish and puts ten quid on the counter in front of the clerk.
"So the paint killed your bird?"
"Indirectly," Jim says. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."
(Thanks Jack)

I used to have a Labrador Retriever so I was buying a large bag of Winalot at Tesco one day and was in the queue at the check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her, "No", but that I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time I was on the diet even though I had lost 50 pounds before I awakened in the Intensive Care Unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and intravenous in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is that you load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry plus the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try the diet again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story.
Horrified, she asked me if I'd ended up in the hospital because I'd been poisoned by the Winalot.
I told her, "No...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
... actually, I'd been sitting in the street, licking my balls and a car hit me.Ó
(Thanks Rachel)

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"
(Thanks Tony)

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".
Roland the class swot gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Patrick jumps up and says in a broad accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."
(Thanks YonderGrrl, you win this week's star prize. Let us know your address if you'd like a book about Arnold Schwarzenegger and some Cliff Richard DVDs)

Please send us jokes or we'll get so depressed we'll throw ourselves under this Celine Dion CD. You know the drill; best joke each week wins some neat stuff or a piece of crap. Or send a sponsored joke on behalf of your business, club or faction of the Labour Party and we'll tell all our spamvictims your web address.

Have a wee surf afore ye go

This made us laugh bigly
www.candointeractive.com

Cretins
www.armorofgodpjs.com

Yuck!
www.manboobs.co.uk
(Thanks Robin)

And a good reason to stay at home:
www.frommers.com
(Thanks Robin)

A bit over-long, but clever
www.diecastfilms.co.uk

Like your Mum says, you'll regret that tattoo one day ...
www.thesmokinggun.com

Mmmmmm! Tasty corporate PR spin for morons!
www.makeupyourownmind.co.uk

Aargh!
www.christinehamilton.co.uk

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