Nothing to do during the school hols? Why don't you and your mates get your older brother to go into the shop and buy you a copy of this week's Venue. Then you can all pass it to one another in the bus shelter for ...

CIDER! - The west country's traditional tipple is the nectar of the gods, prized by connoisseurs, and it's also Satan's mouthwash, prized by tramps and teenagers. But now it's fashionable as well, thanks to ... The Irish?!?
NICK PARK - Wallace & Gromit creator Nick Park is following a childhood dream: to create, er, a board game. It's called 'Fleeced' and we've got the exclusive story.

THE END OF THE PIER SHOW - Most theatres close for summer, but not so Weston-super-Mare's Playhouse, now in its busiest season of the year.

BON VOYAGE, THEKLA - Bristol's favourite (non-Cabot, non-Brunel) ship has been bought by a firm from that well-known seafaring town, Nottingham. We've got the scuttlebutt on the new owners' plans and find out what's happening to our old favourites.

PLUS ... Bath Spa opens at last ... Good ice-cream guide ... 'Miami Vice' comes to town ... Bristol Children's Festival ... Ride the Torbay Express ... AND loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell everyone your parents are away for the weekend and there's a scrumpy and snogging party round at yours.

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JOKES

A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, all to no avail.
The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch- hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"
"What?!! Get the hell out of my cab!"
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."
The businessman said "OK," and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
(Thanks Jack)

Little Johnny asked his Dad, "Where does poo come from?"
Well the Dad thought about it, then explained: ÒJohnny you know we have just eaten our breakfast cereal and now we have finished it goes down through our bodies into our tummies where all the good things like vitamins get taken out, then the body puts together the waste bits that it doesn't want and then it comes out through our bottoms as poo."
Dad thought he had explained the whole process very well and pitched at Johnny's level when Johnny looked up and said "So where does Tigger come from?"
(Thanks Teresa)

A bus full of nuns plummets off a cliff. They all die. The nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a pen*s?"
"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the queue and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.
"Well, now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.
"Well, your holiness," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in the queue, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it!"
(Thanks Nick)

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, here's an example of one of my days:
I went into town and went to a shop in the High street. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket so I called him a Nazi Bastard. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So I called him a piece of stinking dog shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't give a shit as I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
(Thanks JK)

Doing the rounds on e mail ...
I was due for an appointment with the gynaecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me there was a cancellation and the 9:30am appointment was available. I took it. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable, threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.
Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other such glamorous place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
The rest of the day was normal... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.
After school when my six year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, "No!!!"
She yelled, "I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."
(Thanks Donna. You win this week's star prize - a copy of ÔShooting Dogs' on DVD AND (I am not making this up) a CD of Paris Hilton's single! Mail us an address if you want them, but do it soon as the Spam Department is going on holiday.)

Please send us jokes for when we go back to school in September. Funniest joke each week wins a fabulous* prize. Or send us a joke on behalf of your club, small local business or 30-mile tailback of grockles in caravans on the M5 and we'll tell everyone your web address.

Surf

Hilarious Onion spoof on Wikipedia
www.theonion.com
(Thanks Julian)

Politically incorrect neighbours
www.sltrib.com

Sillyclever
www.pistolwimp.com

Movie Quiz
www.funwithmovies.com

Bunch of tossers. Impressive
www.pistolwimp.com

Loads of lovely sketches from Armando Ianucci
timetrumpet.co.uk

Do the survey
blog.outer-court.com

I want one!
www.treehouse-company.com

The Great Debate (in America, that is)
www.youtube.com

Sensitive advert
www.spareroom.co.nz

The life and death of a pumpkin
www.youtube.com

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