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JOKES!!

An old window washer, Luigi,
was screwing a lady from Fiji.
When she started to sweat,
He said, "Hold it, my pet,"
and squished off the sweat with his squeegee.
(Thanks Jack)

A SPANISH teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.
...
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
(Thanks Nick)

A woman walks into an ice cream parlour and asks for a chocolate ice cream cone. The assistant behind the counter apologizes and states that they are out of chocolate and would madam like to choose a different flavour. The woman says "Oh! in that case, I'll have chocolate. The assistant again apologizes and thinking that the woman didn't hear him, states again that they are out of chocolate.
"Is there another flavour that I can get for you?", he asks.
The woman says, "Well I guess I'll have chocolate."
The assistant who is getting agitated says, "Look. WE ARE OUT OF CHOCOLATE!"
The woman asks for chocolate again! The assistant, who is extremely fed-up, tells the woman: "Spell VAN as in vanilla."
The woman spells out "V-A-N."
"Now," says the assistant, "spell STRAW as in strawberry."
The woman spells out "S-T-R-A-W".
"Ok." says the assistant, "Now spell F*CK as in Chocolate."
The woman looks dumbfounded for a moment and proclaims, "Hey! Their's no 'F*CK' in 'chocolate'!"
And the assistant replies, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"
(Thanks Toni)

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.
"Ach, it's all going grand," says Jock. "I've got everything organized already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night... ".
Archie nods approvingly.
"Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that!"
"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.
"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."
(Thanks Fiona)

Sophie Ellis Bextor was found head-butted to death in the apartment of a French footballer.
It was murder on Zidane's floor.
(Thanks to several people for that)

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him two miles from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat four miles away. He put the beast out and headed home.
But when he got back home, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive several miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later he phoned his wife at home: "Is the cat there?" he asked.
"Yes," his wife answered, "why do you ask?"
"Put him on, will you? I'm lost and need directions!"
(Thanks Filly)

A man was sitting on a train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window.
After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."
"Listen, love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train."
He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.
The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"
"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."
At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined £200 for that!"
To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers."
(Thanks Maura - you win this week's star prize, a copy of 'Shooting Dogs' on DVD, which we'll send at the end of the month when it's released. Give us an address if you want it.)

It's too hot to invent jokes, so please send us some you've made already. The best joke each week wins a prize. You can also send us a joke on behalf of your club, small business or school holiday traffic jam and if we run it we'll tell all our spamvictims your website address. Just hit that reply button and joke us up!

Too hot to work. Dick around on the internet for a while before your computer overheats:

"Full and soft breast leads you to heaven." More weird stuff from Japan. Not worksafe.
www.jlist.com

Quite funny blog from someone working in a call centre
callcentrediary.blogspot.com

Woo! Someone's thought of a brand new perversion! NOT WORKSAFE!
www.voreville.com

Funny
centennialsociety.com

The most irritating people in the wold? Possibly...
people.smartchat.net.au
(Thanks Rachel)

Young ladies hit each other with pieces of ham.
www.youtube.com

ASTONISHING domino thing only with books, lighters, VHS cassettes etc.
www.youtube.com

Good question!
whywontgodhealamputees.com

Pigeons. They're feathered vermin, and this guy really hates them
www.killthepigeons.com

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