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It's a great big explosion of flowers and music and love, a love that can be shared by everyone, a gathering of people who are beautiful on the inside as well as on the outside. But that's enough about Venue magazine, which is in the shops on Wednesday and this week features:
ASHTON COURT FEST - Join us in getting excited about this year's, and join the controversy over increased entrance prices and a VIP area.
CHRIS COX - The Backwell-raised magician calls himself a 'mentalist', an old-fashioned word for mind-reader. So he won't have to buy Venue as he'll already know what we've written about him.
THE HOLE TRUTH - How a group of former Welsh coal miners are working to save Bath from falling into a big hole in the ground.
PLUS ... WOMAD Festival ... Joe Public meal and wine giveaway ... Big summer kiddieflick 'Cars' ... Diverse Bristol ... AND loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide
Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell your boss it was you who spray-painted flowers and peace signs on his Jag.
*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.49 a month!
Jokes ...
Out on her royal yacht the Queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark. Through her binoculars she could see it was Christian Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!
The Queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in time.At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling ... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.
On reaching yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries."
She knighted them and sailed away.
As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"
"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country."
"Well," Rooney replied, "she knows f*ck all about shark fishing. How's the
bait holding up?"
(This sponsored joke, a new variation on a much-loved original, comes courtesy of organic chocolate cake company http://www.toccc.co.uk)
As Sadie and Irving are leaving the mall, they see their neighbour's son Paul and his fiancŽe Sharon just going in.
"Did you see that?" Sadie says.
"See what?" asks Irving, pretending not to know what Sadie is referring to.
"Paul's fiancŽe, that's who," Sadie says, "She's dressing all wrong. She's probably 37-23-35 and with big breasts like hers, she shouldn't be wearing such a skimpy see through top. And such a tight leather skirt she's wearing - I don't know how she can breathe properly. And it's so short, it make her legs look too long. I know she's got a beautiful face but I don't think blonde dyed hair suits her. Believe me, Irving, that marriage won't last more than one year."
With a deep sigh, Irving replies, "Please God I should have such a year."
(Thanks Jack)
Genuine entries from a South African hospital's incident log which might have been better expressed or typed ...
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 Kg weight gain in the past three days.
5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
(Thanks Pam)
A woman once said that a man is like a deck of playing cards ... you need:
- a Heart to love him
- a Diamond to marry him
- a Club to smash his fucking head in and
- a Spade to bury the bastard.
(Thanks Fiona)
Delia's Way:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Woman's Way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Delia's Way:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Woman's Way:
Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.
Delia's Way:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.The Real Woman's Way:
Tescos' sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.
Delia's Way
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.
The Real Woman's Way:
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough s**t Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
Delia's Way:
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks
The Real Woman's Way:
It could keep forever. Who eats it?
Delia's Way:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Woman's Way:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but you wont give a s**t?
Delia's Way:
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Woman's Way:
Why do I have a man?
Finally the most important tip ...
Delia's Way:
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles
The Real Woman's Way:
Left over wine???? Hello!!!!!
(Thanks Nick. You win this week's star spam prize, a copy of classic Al Pacino film 'Dog Day Afternoon' on DVD and, if you want it, Busta Rhymes' chavtastic new single 'I Love My Chick' (Parental Advisory, Explicit Content) Ð give us an address if you want it.)
Please send jokes. Best joke each week wins some stuff. Send us a joke on behalf of your club, local business or Spice Girls 10th anniversary tribute act and we'll tell all our spamvictims the address of your website. Just hit that 'reply' button and joke us up!
Surf!
"Welcome to What Jeff Killed, your authoritative source for news and information about Jeff The Giant Orange Cat and his favorite pastime: killing things."
whatjeffkilled.com
New vid from The Hoff.
video.google.com
We don't know what the hell this is about either
sow.ggnet.co.jp
Ice hockey players saying unkind words. Not safe for work.
video.google.com
Tell Dad! There's a website all about sheds!
www.readersheds.co.uk
Make deadly weapons from office equipment. Beats working.
www.officeguns.com
Long, awkward poses
www.longawkwardpose.com
Can you live on monkey food alone?
www.angryman.ca
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