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Put on your shorts and sandals (no socks, please) and flip-flop your merry way down the newsagents for this week's Venue magazine for Summery treats like
THE BEST OF BRITISH - It's called British Art Show 6 and it's coming to Bristol for the summer, turning the old place into what is arguably the UK's art capital for two months (we said 'arguably') with all sorts of amazing events planned all over the shop.
SUMMER SURVIVAL GUIDE -If you've got kids you'll find Venue's guide to entertaining, exercising and educating the little dears over the holidays is indispensable. And even if you're child-free, you'll find its days out guide very useful.
THE BREAK-UP - We talk to Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston about their new 'anti-romantic comedy' and the irony of getting off with each other on a film about breaking up.
PLUS - Fun Lovin' Criminals and Goldie Lookin' Chain come to a new local festival ... Simple Minds' Jim Kerr interviewed ... Superman Returns ... AND loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide
Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell your boss you told the council it was OK to put a showcase bus lane through the office.
*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.49 a month!
Jokes, then ...
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How did you know that the cat was dead" she asked him.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!!" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
" You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
(Thanks Fiona)
Mario Lanza was performing at the Bristol Hippodrome. He had just finished singing 'Nessun Dorma' when he noticed a little old man, sat in the front row, stuffing jelly in one ear & blancmange in the other.
"What are you doing?" asked Mario.
The old man looked up at the great tenor and said " Can you sing up please Mr Lanza. I'm a trifle deaf."
(This sponsored joke comes to you on behalf of the Keynsham Light Opera Group and Keynsham Youth Theatre, at http://www.keynsham.co.uk/klog/home and http://www.keynshamyouththeatre.org.uk)
A man is on holiday in Sweden, and goes into a chemist shop."I'd like to buy some deodorant please" he says to the assistant.
"Certainly sir" she replies in a thick Swedish accent, "Ball or aerosol?"
"No" he say, "it's just for my armpits actually."
(Thanks Rina)
Saddam Hussein has been found guilty and sentenced to be shot. He has been given a last request to name his own firing squad ...
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He chose Lampard, Gerrard and Carragher from 12 yards ...
(Thanks Nick)
During a visit to a hospital for the mentally infirm, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"
(Thanks Nick)
Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator. While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.
The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know... 'Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist'."
The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know... ''Double Income, No Kids Yet. "
The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know... 'Rich, Urban, Biker.' "
The fourth guy says, "I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know... 'Double Income, Little Dog Owner.'"
They turn to the woman and ask her. "What are you?"
She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
(Thanks Sue)
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm. "I"d like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse?" said the owner
"A female horth" the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth" says the dwarf, "can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's eyes. "Nithe eyeth", says the dwarf, "can I thee her teeth?"
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth ... can I thee her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but once again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's ears. Nithe eerth", he says ... "Now can I thee her twot?"
With this, the owner picks up the dwarf by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head up the horse's vagina. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says ... "Perhaps I should wee fwaze that ... Can I thee her wun awound?"
(Thanks Tim)
The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time.
The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"
The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"
The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
(Thanks Jack. You win this week's star prize, a soon-to-be-no-longer-topical book called 'How to Score: Science and the Beautiful Game'. Mail us an address if you want it.)
If you know any funny jokes, come share them with our vast, loving virtual community of spamvictims, because, you know, if all 4,000 of us were to be put in a room together, it would be very funny. And a bit cramped. Best joke from a private person each week wins something. Or you can send us a joke on behalf of your club, campaign, or small loveable local business and if we publish it we'll tell everyone your website address.
Will ye no hae a quick surf afore ye go?
This beats sponsoring someone on a sponsored walk anyday ... You can give this guy electric shocks in returns for donations to an animal welfare charity.
shocktheman.com
Amazing car dirt art
www.autoblog.com
Interesting blog about gambling addicition
luckiestone.blogspot.com
Unfortunate. Most unfortunate.
www.aftenposten.no
Anti capitalist? With a God-shaped hole in your life? Then you need this guy ...
www.revbilly.com
Simple IQ test.
simple-iq.com
"This isn't actually a genuine website. It's a joke."
www.extortr.com
"This is my personal account of curing my asthma and hayfever by deliberately infesting myself with the intestinal parasite hookworm."
www.kuro5hin.org
End Band-Aid-falling-off-whenever-you-wash misery now with this Japanese video
youtube.com
I Will Survive (Jesus version)
www.youtube.com
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