This week's SPAM, fresh from the tin.     [Get your very own SPAM here]

Mmmm! Lovely sunny weather. Exactly the sort of weather in which you want to put on your shades, pull off all your clothes and get down to the newsagents for the latest edition of Venue, with:

EATING OUT - Now that summer's here, eat out with our guide to the best outdoor dining haunts in the area, plus expert tips on barbecues AND our good picnic guide, all compiled by our new Italian reporter, Al Fresco.
TRACY CHAPMAN - The reclusive singer-songwriter grants Venue a very rare interview opportunity ahead of her date at Colston Hall.
THE WEST'S GREENEST COMPANY - Alistair Sawday's publishing empire has been highly praised for its all-round eco-friendliness. Find out why.

PLUS - Win Embrace tickets or a £100 bar tab ... Toxic Dancehall ... Father's day fun ... Bristol's Big Brother golden ticket winner ... AND loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll sneak over yours at night and swap the red and white flags sticking out of your car for Argentinian ones.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.49 a month!

Jokes

Two nuns are driving down a country lane when the Devil jumps onto their bonnet.
"Quick", says the Mother Superior, "Show him your cross".
The young novice leans out of the window and screams, "Get off my f**king car!"
(Thanks Jack)

Three nuns are sitting in the convent chapel on a sweltering August day. "It's so hot," says Sister Mary, "that I think I shall take my habit off." So saying, she disrobes completely and kneels down to resume praying, stark naked.
The other two nuns think about it for a while, can't think of any sin involved, and they, too, remove all their robes.
Half an hour later the three of them are still praying in the buff when the bell rings outside.
"Who is it?" yells Sister Mary.
"The blind man," comes the reply.
"Oh," whispers Sister Mary to the others, "if he's blind we won't need to put our clothes back on," and she tells him to come on in.
He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice tits! Now where do you want me to install these blinds?"
(Thanks JenB)

A middle-aged woman standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband. "I look horrible. I'm fat, my boobs and my backside are getting more saggy by the day, I find a new wrinkle every morning and I think I'll have to go up yet ANOTHER dress size."
Sitting down with her head in her hands she continues, "I just feel so old and ugly ... Can you please at least pay me one compliment?"
The husband looks across at her and says, "Well if it's any consolation, your eyesight's spot on!!"
(This sponsored joke comes to you courtesy of the Keynsham Light Opera Group - see http://www.keynsham.co.uk/klog/home.html)

I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a-quiver,
I slowly undid her suspender belt
and her leg fell in the river -
(Poem by Sir Paul McCartney)
(Thanks David)

A brush salesman knocks on a door and a boy of about nine years old answers it. He's wearing stockings and suspenders, smoking a big cigar and has a tumbler of Scotch in his hand.
"Good afternoon sonny," says the salesman after stifling his surprise. "Is your Mum in?"
The boy replies, "Does it f**king look like it?"
(Thanks Allie)

The weather in Scotland
40 degrees - Californians shiver uncontrollably ... People in Scotland go swimming in the sea.
35 degrees - Italian cars won't start ... People in Scotland sunbathe.
20 degrees - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats ... People in Scotland throw on shorts and a T-shirt.
15 degrees - Californians begin to evacuate the state ... People in Scotland drive with the windows down.
0 degrees - New York landlords turn the heat on ... People in Scotland have a last barbi before it gets cold.
- 10 degrees - People in Miami are extinct ... People in Scotland lick flagpoles.
- 20 degrees - Californians all now live in Mexico ... People in Scotland throw on a light jacket.
- 80 degrees - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Artic ... Scottish Boy Scouts postpone winter survival exercise until it gets cold enough.
- 100 degrees - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole ... People in Scotland wear a vest and pull down their ear flaps.
- 173 degrees - Ethyl alcohol freezes ... People in Scotland get angry 'cos they can't thaw their whisky.
- 297 degrees - Microbiotic life starts to grind to a halt ... Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
- 460 degrees - ALL atomic motion stops ... People in Scotland start saying "A bit hill billy ... eh? "
- 500 degrees - Hell freezes over ... Scottish people support England in the World Cup
(Thanks Lynsey; you win this week's star prize, a copy of a Simpsons comic book. Send us an address if you wants it.)

Please send jokes. Best funny joke big laughing each week prize from piles in Venue office will win. Or send joke on behalf of your club, campaign or any nation not participating in the World Cup and we'll tell our 4,000 spamvictims your web address. Mmmmm! Good advertising!

IMPORTANT APPEAL ... The office away-day The team-building exercise The corporate bonding weekend Do these expressions fill you with a mixture of nausea and dread? Course they do, because nothing useful ever came of office outings. They only exist to provide a living for charlatans and consultants and to enable useless and inadequate managers to remind you who's boss by getting you to do stuff that's not in your job-description. Now tell us your horror stories; the sexual harassment, the paintballing humiliation, the fire-walking session that didn't work out quite as planned We're planning a big article about it soon, so if you want to take anonymous revenge on your clueless bully of a boss or ex-boss, tell us your story. Likewise, if you're a clueless bully of a boss, tell us your favourite staff-humiliation story!
Simply mail your tale of woe in reply to this mail, or send it direct to Eugene Byrne at E.Byrne@venue.co.uk

Surf, eh?

Only look at this one if you've got this mail on Tuesday June 6th
www.nationalemokidbeatdownday.com

Proper-job World Cup tune made in Bristol!! Only mentions the war once!
www.youtube.com

A blog devoted to magician Paul Daniels and his eBay transactions.
www.pdet.blogspot.com
(Thanks Damian)

A Finnish male voice choir performs a cover of Lordi's 'Hard Rock Hallelujah' in front of an audience of headbanging little girls.
www.youtube.com
(Thanks Robin)

"Join our protest against the fruit-flingers!"
swansea-res.org.uk
(Thanks Julian)

Song about crabs
www.weebls-stuff.com

Young lady does scientific experiment with Pepsi and Mentos on herself.
www.davideodesign.co.uk

'Tribute video' to an Onslaught tune with guitar and hammers. Goes on a bit, mind.
www.youtube.com
(Thanks Robin)

They made an omelette from creme eggs. Icky!
www.thegdp.net

The very latest in cosmetic treatments, apparently ...
crappersquarterly.com

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