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Back in the Middle Ages, we had the annual Bristol Festival of Plague, Boils and Untimely Death and that was your lot. Now there are so many festivals going on that scientists are seriously worried we will die of pleasure. This week's Venue has the low-down on some especially good ones.

BRISTOL FESTIVAL OF NATURE - with loads of fantastic family events, most of them free. Just the thing for half-term.

BATH FRINGE FESTIVAL - Bath's annual explosion of alternative arts and restrained lunacy is one of the best in the world.

NATURAL LIVING SHOW - A big holistic binge of alternative and complementary therapies; we have full details.
PLUS ... New wave folk star Jim Moray (he wears make-up and doesn't have a beard!) ... The Bristol man who's organising a sponsored Laugh-a-thon ... New Bristol comedy podcasters ... and loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell everyone about your failed attempt last year to organise a Bristol Festival of Wasps.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.49 a month!

Jokes ...

Poor Driver Recognition System
Due to the poor quality of driving in England, the Department of Transport has now devised a new scheme in order to identify poor drivers and give good drivers the opportunity to recognise them whilst driving. For this reason as from the 1st of May 2006, those drivers who are found to be driving badly which includes:
- overtaking in dangerous places;
- hovering within one inch of the car in front;
- stopping sharply;
- speeding in residential areas;
- pulling out without indication;
- performing U turns inappropriately in busy High Streets;
- under taking on motorways and
- shouting obscenities at other road users and pedestrians.
These drivers will be issued with flags, white with a red cross, signifying their inability to drive properly. These flags must be clipped to a door of the car and be visible to all other drivers and pedestrians.
Those drivers who have shown particularly poor driving skills will have to display a flag on each side of the car to indicate their greater lack of skill and general lower intelligence mindset to the general public. Please circulate this to as many other motorists as you can so that drivers and pedestrians will be aware of the meaning of these flags.
(Thanks Rina; not had that for four years ... )

Due to their separation, Paul McCartney is going to sell the plane that he bought Heather for Christmas...
He says that she can keep the lady shave that he gave her for her other leg.
(Thanks Matt)

A large corporation recently hired several cannibals. During the welcoming briefing the HR rep said, "You are all part of our team now. You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please do not eat any of the other employees".
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You are all working very hard and I am satisfied with your work. However, one of our admin assistants has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads, "No".
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the admin assistant?"
A hand rose hesitantly.
"You fool!" the leader said to the guilty person. "For four weeks we have been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOOOOO, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!!"
(Thanks Karen)

One very misty morning the vicar went for a wander around the village and spotted farmer George leaning over his gate. The vicar greeted him with a cheery, "Foggy, George!"
To which the disgruntled farmer replied, "and fog 'ee too vicar!"
(Thanks Tony)

A Nuclear Engineer gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?'
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling, "How about nuclear power?"
"OK", says the blonde, "That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
(This sponsored joke comes to you from http://www.madrigalmusic.co.uk)

Man goes into a bar with a steering wheel stuffed down his trousers.
"Why have got that down there?" says the barman.
"Dunno, but it's driving me nuts."
(This joke was sponsored by http://www.HarmonicaWorld.com)

Since the release of Brokeback Mountain, here are some phrases that may need some re-evaluation before use:
1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"
2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"
3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."
4. "Howdy, pardner."
5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."
7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."
8. "Let's mount up!"
9. "Nice spread ya got there!"
10. "Ride'em cowboy!"
11. "I reckon this might hurt a little"
(Thanks Toni)

A man comes home from work, sits down in his favourite chair, turns on the TV, and says to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She's little puzzled, but brings him a beer.
When he finishes it, he exclaims, "Quick, bring me another beer.It's about to start." This time she's a little angry, but again brings him a beer.
When it's done, he exclaims, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
Now she blows her top.
"That's it, you bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighs. "Oh hell, it's started."
(Thanks JK)

A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a cast from his feet to his hips. Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. "It's very brave of you to come out here," says Matthew. "Please tell the audience what happened."
"Well" says Simon, "about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs."
"That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?" asks Matthew.
"No Matthew. While I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body. The operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year."
A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.
"That's an unbelievable story. So, who are you going to be?"

"Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle."
(Thanks Ern, you win this week's star prize, a biography of Pete Burns. Send us an address if you wants it.)

Please send jokes. Jokes on behalf of your club, company, campaign or the Paraguayan World Cup squad will, if published, result in us telling everyone your web address, which is nice. Send us a gag as a private person and you could win some stuff from the Venue office. We've got a Simpsons comic book for next time, though the Spam dept. is having a well-deserved holiday next week. So just hit the reply button and make us laugh. Bigly.

SURF!!

Finland. It's country of the week, isn't it? Look at these hot street fashions from Helsinki; click on some of the other pics as well
www.hel-looks.com
(Thanks Damian)

An event straight out of local rock legend. Who knew there was actual film footage?
www.youtube.com
(Thanks Robin)

If Venue ran a theme park, it would look a lot like this:
www.themeparkreview.com

Amazing bendy girl
www.ebaumsworld.com

Bad quality superglue
www.badqualitysuperglue.com

American news Bimbo screws up
youtube.com

Clever finger impersonations
www.irdel.com

A better World Cup song than the other one
www.b3ta.com

Stuff people have tried to sell on eBay
www.whattheheck.com
(Thanks Damian)

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