This week's SPAM, fresh from the tin.     [Get your very own SPAM here]

Soon be time for another Summer of Love. Time to pack in the job, put some flour in your hair (don't you mean "a flower"? Ed.), pick up your guitar and hit the open road to the newsagents for this week's Venue (in the shops Wednesday), with:

FESTIVAL GUIDE 2006 - Our biggest festival guide ever, packed with over 300 parties to drink, dance and get decadent in - as well as nice family events and posh arts festivals. Your summer won't be right without it, and it's free with this week's Venue!

BRISTOL FESTIVAL OF IDEAS - Bristol hosts a load of fun and fascinating talks and arguments about everything from The Simpsons to whether or not we should apologise for slavery.

PLUS ... Glastonbury and The Da Vinci Code ... Dan Harper & The Charlatans interviewed ... A guided walk through inner-city Bristol ... and loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll or we'll publish those photos of you at Glastonbury festival wearing only some mud.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.49 a month!

Jokes ...

They're showing the International Origami World Championships Final on Sky today ... But it's not free to watch, it's on paper view!
(Thanks Maggie)

The World's Shortest & Happiest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said,NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting, played golf a lot and drank beer and had shitloads of money and farted whenever he wanted.
THE END
(Thanks Sara)

What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it, but they can't eat it.
(Thanks Toni)

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local Gardai.
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Flaherty. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day to yourself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead on my front lawn. Would you be so kind as to send a couple of your lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Flaherty, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
Father O'Malley replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
(Thanks Jack)

One day, back in the 1950s, a tall, good-looking man goes into an agent's office in Hollywood and says, "I want to be a movie star."
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Listen, if you want to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my forefathers by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "I have worked in Hollywood for years. You will never get anywhere in movies with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you have got to change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER...The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope are a letter and a cheque $50,000. The agent is awestruck. Who would possibly sent him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed ...
"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely, Dick van Dyke
(Thanks Mong)

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Tony Blair, John Prescott, Gordon Brown and Jack Straw. They're asking for a £10 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"About a gallon."
(Thanks to 'Us at Lightbulb')

Real ads from the lonely-hearts column of various Scottish Newspapers:
* Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel.
* Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box06/03
* Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning.
* Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancŽe seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
* Ginger-haired Partick troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
* Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential.
* Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters.
* Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest. Box 40/27
* Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
* Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Framptons Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please!
* Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm
(Thanks Rachel - you win this week's extra-extra special spam prize, namely twenty quid's worth of FOPP vouchers unclaimed from a winning reader's letter some months back. Send us an address if you don't want us to trade them for food.)

Send us jokes. Send it on behalf of your club, firm or syndicate of 1,000 foreign criminals and if we run it we'll tell everyone your web address. Send it on your own behalf and you could win some stuff. Not as good as £20 in FOPP money, but hey Next week's star prize is a copy of The Rough Guide to The Da Vinci Code. Yes it is. Just hit the 'reply' button and gag us up.

Surfytime!

Cats
www.catagility.com
(Thanks Rachel)

And what do you plan to do on June 6?
www.nationaldayofslayer.org
(Thanks Robin)

Dead clever!
www.vekay.com
(Thanks Julian)

Welcome to the gay & lesbian kingdom
www.gayandlesbiankingdom.com

Lessons learned?
www.chernobyl.info

Woo! A website listing stuff you can blag for free!! (Not as exciting as it sounds)
absurdlycool.com

Funny song about the internewt
eclectech.co.uk

New vegan guide to Bristol.
www.veganbristol.makessense.co.uk

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