This week's SPAM, fresh from the tin.     [Get your very own SPAM here]

Venue. It's usually a magazine. But this week it's also a table groaning with delicious culinary delights, with several tasty courses, including:

EATING OUT WEST 2006 - It's THE guide to eating out in the West Country and it's our biggest ever, stuffed with over 500 local restaurants, cafes, bars and pubs. And it's free with this week's edition!

THE HORROR! - The world's going crazy for horror flicks at the moment, and we're asking why. Plus we meet the local author behind classic British chiller The Wicker Man and dig up the West's most gut-churning tales.

PLUS ... Rik Mayall on the Young Ones and the rebirth of Alan B'Stard ... Feverish excitement builds over local elections (are you sure about this? Ed.) ... Good bikini guide ... May Day outings ... A guided walk through inner-city Bristol ... and loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell everyone about the time you tried to cook Beef Wellington in an actual boot.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.49 a month!

Jokes

This is long but worth reading ...

When you occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it and a man answered, "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f*ckin' number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" ... ... It always cheered me up.
Later when "Caller ID" was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop, so I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from British Telecom. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone so I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot when some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the
idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole too, so I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Road, in Edinburgh. It's a big house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, whenever I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with a brilliant idea ... ... I called Asshole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Road , Edinburgh, a big house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are ... "
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Road, Edinburgh, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called BBC News about the gang war going down in Mwbray Raod, Edinburgh. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Edinburgh. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew ...
NOW I feel much better ... Anger management really works ...
(Thanks JK)

Bill: My wife drives like lightning.
Doug: She drives fast?
Bill: No, she hits trees!
(Thanks Jack)

If football teams were women ...
Fulham - Charlotte Church: Proof that money can't buy you class. But could look more attractive if the Welsh bloke was given the elbow.
Birmingham - Pamela Anderson: Used to look good in the cups but now a declining force. Plus millions of people watched them get a good seeing to.
Wigan - Davina McCall: Poor attendances confirm they've been promoted above their ability.
Portsmouth - Girls Aloud: Only one real class act among the hastily assembled line-up. You shouldn't like them but admit it, you've sneaked the occasional admiring glance.
Sunderland - Kerry Katona: Once the people's favourite but now an embarrassment. Fun while it lasted - now disappear from where you came, please.
Spurs - Keira Knightley: Undeniably easy on the eye with an attractive English spine. And proof that two little ones up front needn't be a drawback.
Everton - Dannii Minogue: The poor relation to the more glamorous sibling. Can anyone remember when it was they were supposed to be any good?
Arsenal - Jordan: Were more likeable when they weren't packed out with expensive foreign implants.
Newcastle - Jodie Marsh: Impressive front two but embarrassing at the back. Had surgery but need a lot more work to compete at a higher level.
Aston Villa - Dido: Bland, boring and still trading off the one big hit they had years ago.
Liverpool - Sophie Ellis-Bextor: Individually all the components look great but stick them together and it just doesn't work.
Chelsea - Rachel Stevens: You'd rather just watch them than listen to all that painful whining.
Bolton - Clare Balding: You wouldn't. Not even if they were the last team on
Earth.
(Thanks Sara)

Steve's wife was in the kitchen boiling some eggs for breakfast. Steve walked in and immediately she pulled off her dressing-gown and yelled: "Steve! Darling! You have to make love to me! Right now!"
Steve was only to happy to oblige and they made love on the kitchen table.
Afterwards he said, "You're nor normally that eager first thing in the morning. What was all that about?"
She said "The egg timer's broken"
(Thanks LadyB)

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think
of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop ... but at the bar ... you know ... they have frozen glasses ... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious ... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?"
She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey.. at the bar ... you know ... there's swearing, dirty words and all that ... "
You want dirty words, cutie pie? ... "LISTEN UP , D***HEAD! DRINK YOUR F***ING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER-F***ING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, A**HOLE?"
And they lived happily ever after.
(Thanks Trina. You win this week's star prize. Series one of Jersey-bound detective series 'Bergerac' (ask your grandparents) on plain vanilla review DVDs. Mmmm! Yes you do. Send us an address if you'd like 'em.)

Please send jokes. Send us one on behalf of your club, company or if you're opening your house to visitors for the summer season and we'll tell everyone your website address. Or send us a joke as a private individual and you could win some piece of stuff lying around the Venue office. NEXT WEEK'S PRIZE IS SPECIAL!!! £20 in FOPP VOUCHERS!! This is an unclaimed prize for the winning readers letter in an edition of Venue several months back and it can be yours if you send us next week's best joke. Just hit the 'reply' button and joke us 'til we die laughing, or at least feel mildly whimsified.

Surfytime!

What's your Goth name? Mine's Razor Hemlock
www.gothicstyle.co.uk
(Thanks 'Raven Everdark')

Astonishing giant people models
www.washingtonpost.com

Photoshop fanatics and graphic artists will be seriously impressed. The rest of you can move on to the next link
www.bertmonroy.com

More Cadburys Crime Egg nonsense. This time, making a cake with Crime Eggs instead of proper ones
shmivejournal.livejournal.com

Every boy's fantasy; a home-made jet-pack powered by fizzy drinks. At least we think that's what's happening.
video.google.com

The politically-correct alphabet
www.better-together.co.uk
(Thanks Jake)

This is fun. Upload your picture, put some speech bubbles in, download it again.
wigflip.com

Mmmm! Crystal meth. It messes with your head, you know ...
seattletimes.nwsource.com

For everyone who ever suspected the fashion industry is sick, stupid, decadent and a complete waste of everything:
www.blackchandelier.biz

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