This week's SPAM, fresh from the tin.     [Get your very own SPAM here]

FREE CD!!

The latest edition of Venue (in the shops today) has gone all musical, and a bit grumpy. If you've ever been musical or grumpy, you'll like ...

BRISTOL'S BIGGEST MUSIC FESTIVAL - Next week sees what could well be the biggest musical event Bristol's ever hosted, with loads of acts playing all over the shop. Venue has the full programme, and FREE CD showcasing some of the area's finest talent.

CANTANKEROUS CHICKS - Jenny Eclair, Linda Robson and Dillie Keane are coming to town with the Grumpy Old Women tour. Linda Robson takes time out to tell us what really gets her goat.

PLUS - Arizona rockers Calexico interviewed ... Derek Acorah profile ... Good Milkshake Guide ... Cheltenham Jazz Fest ... Brunel-flavoured days out ... The great South Bristol Ring Road argument ... and loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll show everyone the photographs of the Sigue Sigue Sputnik tribute band you used to be in.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.49 a month!

Jokes

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles.What do you do with the candle drippings?"
Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
(Thanks Tony)

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "some old b****rd wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"
"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."
"Is that right?" replied the manager. "My wife is from New Zealand!"
"Really??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
(Thanks Alex)

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If it's twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the girl's father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll sleep with her again!"
(Thanks Pete. Despite all the other Thick Paddy jokes you sent us (how many times do we have to tell you people THE SPAM DEPARTMENT IS IRISH!!!!) we decided you win this week's star prize of the biography of Michael Flatley. Send us an address so's we can get it out of the office.)

Spread the love by sending us jokes. Preferably funny ones. Or at least ones we've not heard before. Just mail your joke in reply to this. The best one each week from a private personal person wins some stuff from the Venue office. Or you can send a sponsored joke on behalf of your club, firm or secret cabal of 5,000-year-old Illuminati and we'll tell everyone your web address.

Meanwhile, we had some feedback following the line from Rina last week. You might remember she said: "On the first Thursday in May this year, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06. That won't ever happen again for 1000 years."

'Rocker the Smartass' said: "Actually it will happen every 100 years!"

Rafael said: "How about the date: 06:06:06 06/06/06? Got it? Double 666 - the Satan number :) Will there be end of the world? :) Doubt it, but some freaking computer virus might go rampant then."

Vyv said: "But something similar will happen at intervals of one year, one month, one day, one hour, one minute and one second until 8:09:10 on the 11th Dec 2013. Which reminds me: I was at school with the actor Simon Russel Beale who once interrupted a biology class to point out it was 12:34 on the 5th of the 6th '78. Sorry, its either this or do some work."

Surfy-time!

Brilliant site!! The Crme Egg looks especially disgusting
www.pimpmysnack.com

Easter's been and gone, but maybe you'd like to do this recipe next year
www.bettybowers.com

British transvestite blogs about finding a dictionary of African-American slang for Japanese wannabes in the Kings Lynn branch of WH Smith.
www.beckysweb.co.uk

Dontcha just love it when Yank gun-culture goes wrong?
www.thesmokinggun.com

The article we all wish we'd thought of writing:
www.marieclaire.co.uk

Make yer own rude soap
www.flickr.com

Encyclopedia of famous people, making weird and wonderful connections between them
www.who2.com

What to do if you're taken hostage ...
careerfocus.bmjjournals.com

If you want to be put on the e-mailing list and receive rubbish like this every week (well, most weeks), pop yourself on here: