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This week's SPAM, fresh from the tin. [Get your very own SPAM here]
Pull back the curtains, open the window, inhale deeply (but not if you live in central Bristol or Bath) and hike down the newsagents for this week's Venue (out Wednesday), crammed with wholesome country goodness:
FREE DAYS OUT GUIDE - Have a wonderful time getting to know Round These Parts with Venue's handy glove-compartment sized Days Out guide, full of great ideas for jolly jaunts and excellent excursions this spring and summer.
SHAWNIE - is the title of a gripping, gritty novel set in Knowle West. Join us as we wander around the neighbourhood with the author.
ON THE JOB - Ever wondered what it's like to spend a day working in one of those cranes towering over the city building stuff? And what you do if you need a wee? Join us and find out.
PLUS - The Wild Chicken of Southville ... Coldcut, Mighty Boosh interviews ... Titch-Hiker's Guide to Bristol ... and loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell the Easter Bunny you're on a diet and he's to give your eggs to your little brother instead.
*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.49 a month!
Jokes ...
A farmer has three daughters. One night he's reading his evening paper and smoking a cigar when he hears a knock at the door. He answers it.
Guy outside says, "Yo, I'm Joe, here to pick up Flo so we can go to the show. She ready to go?
Farmer calls out "Flo, it's Joe here to take you to the show. You ready to go?"
Flo says "Yeah dad, be right down."
Farmer sits down and opens his paper when the doorbell rings.
Guy outside says "I'm Freddy here for Betty so we can get some spaghetti. Is she ready?"
Farmer calls out "Betty, Freddy's here to take you out for spaghetti. Are you ready?"
Betty says "Sure dad, be right down."
Farmer sits down and opens his paper. Doorbell rings.
"Hi, I'm Chuck."
Farmer shoots him.
(Thanks Brian)
Two school-kids from old Aberystwyth
Made love with the lips that they kissed with
But as they got older
They also grew bolder
And united the organs they pissed with
(Thanks Jack)
The mobile phone people say there's absolutely no danger from mobile phone radiation ... Boy, it didn't take those tobacco executives long to find new jobs, did it?
(Thanks Jack)
Not a joke but a piece of fascinating trivia ... On the first Thursday in May this year, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06.
That won't ever happen again for 1000 years. You may now return to your (normal?) life.
(Thanks Rina)
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. "I'd like to be ten again," she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Rice Krispies, and then took her to Alton Towers. What a day ! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster ... everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a fizzy drink, and her favourite sweets, M & M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well Dear, what was it like being ten again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you stupid idiot."
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is most likely going to get it wrong.
(Thanks Nick)
We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a non-brunette from the middle of the row got up and
started working her way out. "Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."
By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"
"No!!" she said in a loud whisper, "The TURN OFF YOUR MOBILE PHONE PLEASE message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."
(Thanks Jens)
Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day. The agent says: "Sean, I've got you a job, starts tomorrow morning. You'll have to be there for 10-ish".
Sean furrows his brow and says "Tennish? But I don't even have a racket."
(Thanks Steve)
Guy goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I need help with a speech impediment. I can't pronounce words with the letter F or TH".
Doc says "Well, you can't say fairer than that, then."
(Thanks Jelf. You win a copy of 'Dog Day Afternoon' on DVD. Send us an address if you want it.)
We need new jobs. Jokes. Not jobs, jokes, we need jokes. Send us a joke on behalf of your club, firm or home-made flu medicine company and we'll tell everyone your website address. Send joke on your own behalf and you could win a prize; next week's star prize is a copy of 'Michael Flatley - Lord of the Dance', the famed Irish hoofer's autobiography. If you're the sort of person with a mother who'd love it, send us a funny joke we've not heard before and send it now ...
Surf's up
Smokers! Ever wonder why your lighters keep going walkies?
www.lighterthief.org
Ever lost a picture of yourself?
www.isthisyou.co.uk
Because there is life after Myspace ...
www.mydeathspace.com
A song about dugongs
www.weebls-stuff.com
Nice bit of stop-motion film
video.google.com
Funny Canadian sex ed commercial
gprime.net
We all think you should enter
www.weebls-stuff.com
Boys are stupid - throw rocks at them
www.davidandgoliathtees.com
Video of a chap growing a beard.
www.nowstartabeard.com
Who's for an extra Bank Holiday, then? Thought so.
www.stgeorgesday.com
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