This week's SPAM, fresh from the tin.     [Get your very own SPAM here]

Time to put on your stovepipe hat, light up a big cigar and take the train down to the newsagents for the latest Venue (out Wednesday), a big broad-gauge, steam-powered, cast-iron monster of a magazine with ...

FREE BOOK! To mark Brunel's 200th birthday, we're giving away a FREE comic biography of the great man with every copy! With words and pictures in and everything!
ISAMBARD'S KINGDOM - As the west goes Brunel crazy, we look at the more controversial side of his career and ask if he still matters today.

BECK'S FUTURES 2006 - Bristol exhibits 13 of the UK's most hot and happening young artists, all hoping to win 20 grand in cold, hard cash.

GLASTONBURY - A new documentary film bringing the mad, bad side of dairy farmer Michael Eavis to the big screen (whisper it: he swears), along with loads of nostalgic footage.

PLUS - Glassboat food offer ... Alison Steadman interview ... Family Easter fun guide ... Best Days Out ... ... and loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell everyone how you tried to book a Caribbean cruise when you visited the SS Great Britain.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.49 a month!

Jokes

Three boys are in the playground bragging of how great their fathers are.
The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".
The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!
(Thanks Teresa)

Steve knocked on the door of Donna's house. Her father answered it.
"Oh hi Steve. What can I do for you?" says her father.
"Well, the thing is, it's Donna. She says she loves me, and she can't live without me, and she wants to marry me."
"And you're asking my permission to marry her?"
"No, I was wondering if you could make her leave me alone."
(Thanks El Tel)

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She rushes her lover into the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "£250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "£750"
Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again. You're in my cupboard now"
(Thanks Rachel)

Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The other men looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager" the American said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished his conversation, he explained: "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but was determined not to be outdone. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
He returned with a long piece of toilet paper trailing from his backside. The others raised their eyebrows at him. The Irishman glanced around and said: "Wouldja look at that!! I'm gettin' a fax!"
(Thanks Tony)

Little Johnny went to a brothel and asked for a girl with gonorrhoea. The madam nodded and sent him upstairs to a room. Then she called one of her favourites for him. The girl came into the room and started to undress, when he asked, "Do you have gonorrhoea?"
"Gonorrhoea? I should say not," she replied.
Little Johnny sent her back. The madam sent for another girl and said, "Honey, go upstairs and tell that fool you have the clap. Let's do what we can to make him happy."
The girl agreed, went upstairs and when Little Johnny asked, "Do you have gonorrhoea?"
She smiled and said, "Of course I do."
"Ok," he said, "Let's do it."
After it was over and they were laying side by side the girl said, "Listen Johnny, I don't really have gonorrhoea"
Little Johnny replied, "Oh dear. Well, you do now."
(Thanks Jelf)

Freddie, a very lonely frog, picked up a copy of the Evening Post and saw a copy for a "psychic hotline". He dialled the number and asked what the future held for him.
The psychic told him. "You will soon meet a very beautiful girl, and she is going to be really, really interested in you. She's going to pay you a lot of attention and will want to know everything about you."
Freddie the frog is delighted. "That's brilliant! Where am I going to meet her? At a party? In a club?"
"Neither," says the psychic. "In a biology class."
(Thanks Maura, you win this week's top spamprize, a copy of 'Fantastic', a biography of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Mail us an address if you want it.)

Please send us jokes. Best joke of week wins prize; next week's is a DVD of the very wonderful 'Dog Day Afternoon' starring a young Al Pacino.

OR ... you can send us a sponsored joke on behalf of your club, firm or political party. We've got local elections coming up in a few weeks, send us a joke that's funny and that we've not heard before and we'll point all our spamvictims towards your campaign website and you'll win the elections. Maybe.

Have some links ...

Brilliant wheeze! Must've got the idea from that Million Dollar Homepage thing:
www.fillmyroom.com

Aaannnnd another Million Dollar Homepage variation ...
www.milliondollarbelly.com

Amazing bit of juggling
video.google.com
(Thanks Pam)

How to do Sushi in Japan. Subtly silly ...
youtube.com

Warning: This is utterly, utterly disgusting. Do not view when eating. In fact, don't look at it at all.
intermaweb.net
(Thanks Robin)

White collar wish-fulfilment fantasy.
www.allowe.com

Get Tom Baker to say things:
www.tombakersays.co.uk

Take an old Ford Capri, hundreds of Dinky toys and ...
www.generalcarbuncle.com

Geeks do BeeGees
www.youtube.com

The musical future of white supremacism
prussianblue.net

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