This week's SPAM, fresh from the tin.     [Get your very own SPAM here]

Would you believe it?

There's this amazing magazine you can get called Venue. It's written by this big room full of monkeys from another planet. No, really, a bloke down the pub told me. It's got:

THE WEST'S URBAN MYTHS - We investigate all those weird stories that always seem to happen to a friend of a friend. The feral chickens of Southville, Eddie Cochran's Bristolian love child, the secret warehouse full of steam engines ... All will be revealed.
INSIDE OUT - Free with this issue, a 76-page 76-page guide to transforming your home and garden into a photoshoot from Elle Decoration, with all the local homes & gardens contacts you'll ever need.
PLUS ... Glass Boat food offer ... Funky Onion club ... School Easter hols ideas ... Bristol's Flickr online photo fanatics ... and loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell every nutter in town that we've seen space aliens, Bigfoot, Nessie and the Giant Rat of Sumatra in your back garden.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.49 a month!

Jokes

Three old guys are sitting around talking about getting older.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
(Thanks Pam)

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
"I had a phone call early this morning," she replies. "The doctor told me my mother has passed away."
"Oh my goodness, that's terrible!" says the boss. "You're way too upset to work. Take the rest of the day off. Look, take the rest of the week off, if you like."
"No, it's okay," says the blonde. "I really am better off here at work. It'll help me keep my mind off things."
The boss agrees that perhaps she should stay at work. "If you need anything, though, you just let me know, OK?"
A few hours later the boss decides to take a look and see how she's doing. He looks out across office and sees the blonde hysterically crying.
He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now?"
"I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mother's died as well!!"
(Thanks Janni)

A teenage boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.
"What are you doing?" asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!"
A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, two black eyes and missing all his front teeth.
"What happened?" he asked.
"Oh Grandfather!" replied the boy. "I did what you did! I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed all over the barman, and the beat the crap out of me!"
"Oh dear!" replied Grandpa. "Who did you go with?"
"Just some friends, why? Who did you go with?"
"Oh!" replied Grandpa. "The German army."
(Thanks Marc)

Murphy came home plastered for the third night in a row.
His wife dragged him to the window, pointing to the blazing lights of the big distillery in the distance.
"See how big it is?" she said. "They can always make it faster than you can drink it."
"Maybe so," said Murphy, "But I've got 'em working nights!"
(Thanks Jack)

An out-of-towner headed for a bar for a drink but was stopped outside by a nun holding a tin cup. As he dropped a dollar into her cup, she launched a tirade about the evils of alcohol.
Interrupting her, he said, "Listen, sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day, I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I love and two wonderful kids. I provide for them, do volunteer work, belong to two service clubs, and regularly contribute to charity. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I have an occasional glass of scotch!"
She was taken aback. "I see your point. I apologize if I offended you, but alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed!"
"There you go again," said the man. "How can you say that? Have you ever even tried alcohol? Do you really believe that a little booze can change you from a devout woman into an evil degenerate?"
"Well, I don't know ..." she hesitated.
"Look, why don't you come inside and have a drink with me. One drink. And I'll prove to you that evil isn't inside the glass, it's inside the person."
"Oh, I could never be seen entering a den of inequity. That's out of the question. However, I must admit you've aroused my curiosity. How about this? Take my tin cup in with you, fill it with this 'scotch' you so love, bring it out here and I'll try it."
"Deal!"
She gave him her tin cup, he went into the bar, told the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks and put one in this tin cup, please."
The bartender sighed. "Is that nun out there again?"
(Thanks Tones. You win this week's star prize of a DVD of Paul Anka doing something or another. Mail us an address if you want it.)

Please send us jokes. Send us enough really funny jokes and we'll have a quiet word with all the right people and see if we can't sort you a peerage. Best joke each week wins some stuff from the pile of stuff in the Venue office. Or send us a joke on behalf of your club, charity or ancient Roman Catholic secret society dedicated to taking over the world for the Pope and we'll tell all our spamreaders your website address. Smashing.

And finally ...

For all your heavy metal bathtime needs
www.theduckofyork.com
(Thanks Robin)

This is a very funny and catchy song. It is also very not worksafe!!!!!
www.goodiebag.tv
(Thanks Chay)

Talking cats
video.google.com
(Thanks Lizard)

Get yourself a genuine Justin Quinnell pinhole camera in time for World Pinhole Day
www.pinholephotography.org

Strange inventions. I want a fireplace with a waterfall over it.
www.patentlysilly.com

Chaps! Help this art student. Not altogether worksafe ...
bcccastingcouch.blogspot.com

The Museum of Bad Album Covers
www.zonicweb.net

Bristol Flickr group. Loadsr local photrs.
www.flickr.com

Talking of Flickr ...
www.fwappr.com

Gahd Bless America
video.google.com

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