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This week's SPAM, fresh from the tin. [Get your very own SPAM here]
This week's Venue is mostly either musical or silly. So if you're the sort of person who has ever heard any music, you'll want to buy it for:
MASSIVE ATTACK - They've got a new tour, a new compilation, and a 'proper' new album - and we've got an exclusive interview.
MUSICIANS' GUIDE - Your no-nonsense guide to breaking into the West's music scene, from buying your very first plectrum to hooking up with a local promoter. Plus tips and advice aplenty from our panel of experts.
WALLACE AND VOMIT - Venue exclusively reveals the secret plans for the next Wallace & Gromit movie. It's going to be a gory horror flick aimed at American teenagers.
PLUS: Airbus A380 behind the scenes ... Diary of an undercover waitress ... The very nasty 'Hostel' movie comes to town ... Easter holiday family fun ... and loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell everyone how you fell for all the April Fools in this week's Venue.
*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.49 a month!
Jokes ...
Interesting Year 1981:
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died
Interesting Year 2005:
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died
Lesson Learned? - Next time Charles gets married, someone warn the Pope.
(Thanks Jack)
A Bristol girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding.
The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions."
Girl: "OK"
Medic: "What's your name?"
Girl: "Sharon."
Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"
Sharon: "Yes."
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Sharon: "Hartcliffe, mate.
(Thanks Karen)
A bear, a lion and a chicken are sitting talking about who is the hardest.
The bear says, "When I bellow the whole forest trembles with fear."
The lion says, "When I roar the whole jungle shakes with fear."
The chicken says, "That's nothing. I just have to sneeze and the whole world gets into a panic."
(Thanks Pam)
Q. What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
A. Christopher Walken!
(Thanks Nicko. We are so going to hell for that one ... )
The Queen and Princess Anne are out for a drive in one of the Queen's Range Rovers. Suddenly some armed robbers leap out of the bushes and stop the car. "Give us the money", they shout at the Queen.
"But I'm the Queen of England, I have no need for money."
"Oh,", says the leader of the armed band, and turns to Anne. "Give us yer jewels."
"But I don't wear my jewels all the time, only on state occasions."
The armed robbers look fed up, when suddenly they hear the sound of wailing sirens approaching.
"Quick, out of the car! We'll have the Range Rover at least," and with that the robbers drive off.
As the Queen and Anne are waiting for the Police to get there, Anne turns to the Queen, "What did you do with all the cash you had? You always carry loads of money for when you feel like betting on the gee-gees."
"Ah," says the Queen, "I saw the robbers and in the few seconds before they got to the car I rolled up my notes and tucked them into that little place that only women have."
Reaching under her skirt, she produces several thousand pounds in notes.
"And what did you do with your jewels? You always wear lots of jewellery, my dear."
"Well, like you, in those few seconds before the robbers got to the car, I slipped off my rings, necklaces and tiara, and like you, slipped them into that little place that only women have."
Reaching down she plucks out her jewellery.
They both sit quietly for a few minutes, before the Queen turns to Anne... "You know, if Fergie had been with us, we could still have the Range Rover."
(Thanks Jelf)
You remember working in a call centre, right? I mean, everyone's suffered the indignity at some point in their life. This is all the sh!t you SO wish you'd said ...
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?"
(Thanks to Rachel for all of those. You win this week's star prize of series one of 'Howard's Way' on plain review copy DVDs. Mail us a postal address so's we can get them out of the office.)
Your spam needs your jokes. Send us a funny joke we've not heard before (OK, not heard for several months ... ) and you could win some tat. Venue's film editor has just offered us this prize: "This week I have for you a DVD of 'Paul Anka: Rock Swings', in which the MoR crooner performs smooth versions of the likes of 'Eye of the Tiger', 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' and Soundgarden's 'Black Hole Sun'." Mmmmmmm! Doesn't that sound well worth winning!?
Or you can mail us a joke sponsored by your company, club or offshore hedge fund and (if we run it) we'll tell everyone the address of your website. Publicity-tastic, or what?
Don't work. Surf.
Big demo in Bristol this Thursday!
www.reclaimthebuses.org
Trainspotting simulator
www.ratbike.org
(Thanks Jake)
Grotesque
video.google.com
Clever weird scary arty
www.humanupgrades.com
DIY football chants
www.superchants.com
This sounds good, though every time we try to access it it appears to be over bandwidth
www.shameit.co.uk
Everything you ever wanted to know about the Rock Umlaut
en.wikipedia.org
(Thanks Robin)
"The Great John is substantially more robust than a standard toilet."
greatjohn.com
See the banned South Park Tom Cruise episode
www.scientomogy.info
Brilliant 360-degree pictures of Bristol.
www.panavista.co.uk
If you want to be put on the e-mailing list and receive rubbish like this every week (well, most weeks), pop yourself on here:
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