This week's SPAM, fresh from the tin.     [Get your very own SPAM here]

Turn that racket down!

Venue magazine (Bristol's third most popular publication after the Greggs pasty catalogue and the First Bus timetable (fiction)) is a lot quieter this week.

BRISTOL UNPLUGGED - Musicians of all kinds are saving a fortune on their electricity bills and surfing the great acoustic music revival. Join us as we tune in to the unplugged revolution and meet some of the area's rising stars.

DJ DEREK - OK, you can turn it up again now. Meet waistcoat-sporting reggae living legend to mark his new compilation on Trojan Records. He's 64, you know. TUNNEL VISION - Two Bristol creative types are doing weird and wonderful things in a very long tunnel to commemorate one of IK Brunel's rare failures.

PLUS ... Win a Dalek!! (not a real one, mind) ... Fairtrade Fortnight ... Local Rock Schools ... Nick Cave's 'The Proposition' ... John Hegley in Bath ... and loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide ...

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell everyone that we saw you burying fifty million quid in cash in your back garden the other night.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.49 a month!

Jokes

Q. Why did Coldplay cross the road?
A. To get to the middle.
(Thanks to Neil for that. Neil says: "I made this up one night when I ran a music quiz (and I thought it was genius; well I would, wouldn't I?")

Q: What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?
A: An elephant with diarrhoea.
(Thanks Jack)

Grace visited a psychic of some local repute.
In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news; "There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt, prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Grace stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked: "Will I get away with it?
(Thanks Jack)

"My Husband went on a sailing course in Poole"
"In Dorset"?
"Yes, he'd recommend it to anyone".
(Thanks to Anastasia for that; her sponsored corporate joke comes on behalf of http://www.lowercall.com)

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink.
Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender haking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pop out!
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left ... then to the right ... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says...
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(wait for it)
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(are you ready?)
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(don't hate me)
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"He should have quit while he was a head!"
(Thanks Rachel. We don't hate you. Not much, anyway.)

Little Johnny misses a day at school. He comes back the next day and the teacher asks why he was off.
"Sorry Miss," he replied, "Daddy got burned"
"Oh dear" says the teacher, "I do hope it wasn't serious"
"Well Miss, they don't f**k about at the crematorium"
(Thanks Maura)

10 THINGS DOGS HATE ABOUT US
1. Blaming your farts on me ... not funny ... not funny at all!!!
2. Yelling at me for barking ... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons ... now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! WhooooHoooooooo! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet!
9. Dog sweaters. Hello??? ... Haven't you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here! You Don't See Me Picking Up Your Poop Do You?
(Thanks Teresa. You win this week's star prize, series one of 1980s TV trash HOWARD'S WAY in a plain non-box-set sent us for review purposes, but which we thought too beautiful not to share ... Send us an address if you want it)

Please joke send us. Jokes laughter make nicely happy people. Joke best prize wins each week. Precious prize or trash prize is for decide of fate and you. Or send joke with URL of your business, club or £50m unintelligent robbery gang and we with everyone share URL in blossoming of publicity. Hit 'reply' button and joke send now you will!!!

Surf!

Wedding? Birthday party? Funeral? Hire a celebrity lookalike to make it go with a bang
www.splitting-images.com
(Thanks Richard)

Jesus is always with you
members.aol.com
(Thanks Khalid)

The Big Nose Appreciation Page.
www.cyberium.net

Authentic footage of Venue's weekly spam being compiled.
www.break.com

Mmmmm! Dontcha just love them Yanks and their lawyers?
www.thesmokinggun.com

Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear oh dear.
realgangsta.de

Arson Sam. We laughed bigly. Contains swearwords, but not out loud.
video.google.com

How to bait the scammers
www.419eater.com

Giraffe-milking game.
www.matazone.co.uk

God hates rock stars. Official.
www.av1611.org

Claire is doing the Bath Half Marathon to raise funds for MIND and says: "Please please consider pledging your support, just a couple of quid, to this fantastic cause - you can do this at: www.justgiving.com
or check out their website at www.mind.org.uk"

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