This week's SPAM, fresh from the tin.     [Get your very own SPAM here]

TOP NOSH, LESS DOSH!

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Jokes ...

But first ... Rachel has mailed in regarding last week's thing about the offside rule explained for ladies (see 701spam.html if you're looking at this after Tuesday. Probably.) Rachel "a girl who has pedantic friends who understand the offside rule, without purse and shoe analogies", says:
"I'd just like to point out that the football one is actually not quite right, as the offside rule changed this year: the bit that states 'Always remembering that until the purse has *actually been thrown* it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper' is the problem.
"This should read: 'Always remembering that until the purse has *actually been caught* it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper'.
"You can only be offside if you are actually interfering with play, which has come to be accepted as a target for an intended pass."
Hope that clears it all up. Thanks Rachel!

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a Manchester United Fan from Manchester and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a 50 note. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk; the other three are mythical creatures.
(Thanks Allie)

An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of a Securicor van, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. She counted the money - fifty thousand pounds.
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two detectives were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knock on the door.
"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ... "
The first copper turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."
(Thanks Jack)

Being over 50 does have its advantages ...
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9pm and ask "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4p.m
9. You can live without sex (but not without glasses)
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbours don't realise it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You sing along to the music in lifts.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
21. You can't remember who sent this.
(Thanks Teresa)

A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The wife says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy! Should I pack for the beach or should I pack for the mountains?"
He replies, "I don't care. Just get the hell out!"
(Thanks Muttley)

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

Another man walked into a doctor's surgery with jelly in one ear and blancmange in the other ear. The doctor said: "What seems to be the trouble?"
The man replied " I think I may be a trifle deaf"
(Thanks Sue)

It had been a fantastic New Year's Eve. Well lubricated, John staggered across College Green trying to find his way home. As he tried to work out what the two Golden Unicorns were doing in the sky he walked blindly into the moat and fell flat on his face.
Getting to his hands and knees he looked up at the statue of the Merchant Venturer. "Don't jump!" he yelled in alarm. "This is the shallow end!"
(This sponsored joke comes courtesy of www.telecomplus.org.uk/cash)

Frank was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex." Frank decided to bend over.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to comply.
Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered.
Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear said "Admit it, Frank. You don't come here for the hunting do you?"
(Thanks Donna. You win this week's star prize, a 3-disc DVD set of season 9 of classic US comedy M*A*S*H - mail us an address if you wants it.)

Please send us jokes. Just hit the reply button and gag us up. Best one every week wins some stuff from the Venue office, a veritable Aladdin's cave of both treasures and trash. Or send us a joke on behalf of your business, hobby group or all-smoking private members' club and we'll tell all our spamvictims your website's address. That's proper-job publicity, that is.

Surf.

Bloke gets annoyed that he's been clamped and asks his online m8s to spam the clamping company's mobile number. Oh dear.
www.network54.com

Possibly the world's largest online collection of ukulele music
www.ukuleledisco.com

Look! We've found the most boring museum in Britain!
www.savingsbanksmuseum.co.uk

And here's the second most boring museum in Britain!
www.pencils.co.uk

The Daily Dancer. He dances.
www.dailydancer.com

Funny songs - NOT WORKSAFE!!
www.amateurtransplants.com (click on 'Listen')
(Thanks Pete)

Things you didn't know that you didn't need to know but are sort of odd anyway, number 495

en.wikipedia.org

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