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This week's SPAM, fresh from the tin. [Get your very own SPAM here]
Violets are blue/I'd go to the newsagents/If I were you ...
To get this week's trembly, panting, pulsating and heaving edition of Venue magazine, the only magazine local lovers need to make St Valerie's Day go with a bang. It's got:
LOVE! - Join us as we have a go at singles nights ... Meet the local folks who have lots of partners who all know one another and are cool about it (just don't call it "swinging" any more) and loads more love stuff, including some killer romantic verse from top Bristol poets for you to stick into your Valentine cards!
BANDS ONLINE - The Arctic Monkeys did alright out of the web (and they're coming west this week); now meet some local acts hoping that going online will take them to the big time.
BETH ORTON - Was it something we said? Local superstar Beth Orton gets rather eggy when we call to interview her about producers, fans and Letterman.
PLUS - The west's best (and worst) cons and scams - special report ... Valentine's gifts ... new Greyfriars Bobby movie ... Half-term family fun ... and loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
Don't miss out! Place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll put Extra-Strong Laxatives into those chocolates you're giving to that person you fancy for Valentine's Day.
* Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.49 a month!
Jokes
Q. What's big, savage, and goes "Shhhhhhhhhhhhh!!"?
A. Conan the Librarian.
(Thanks Jack)
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there
(Thanks Jack)
The Offside Rule explained for girls:
You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.
The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire.
Both of you have forgotten your purses.
It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.
The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.
Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.
She prepares to throw her purse to you.
If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.
At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, *whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes.
Always remembering that until the purse has *actually been thrown* it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.
There you go poppet.
(Thanks to Rina and Karen)
Two blokes go in to a pub one says to the other, "Hey donkey, what you havin'?"
The man replies "I'll, I'll have a p p p p pint of la lager please mate." Ten minutes passes and the bloke says "Hey donkey what you havin'?"
The man with the stutter says, "I'll, I'll have another p p p pint of la la lager please mate"
Ten minutes passes and the bloke says "You get 'em in donkey it must be your round."
Donkey goes to the bar and says to the barman, "I'll have t t t two p p p pints if la la lager please mate."
"OK" the barman says. "Here, why does he call you donkey?"
Donkey replies "D du dunno - E OR E OR E always calls me donkey"
(Thanks Pete)
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole!
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.While the man is having his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
(Thanks Tony)
Stan writes in to say:
Re the Buddhist who went into a burger bar and said, "make me one with everything" ... After receiving his burger, he gives the vendor £5 who puts it in the till and starts to serve the next customer.
"Hey," says the Buddhist, "what about my change?'
"Ah," said the vendor ... "change must come from within."
(Stanley, you win this week's star prize, a copy of The Monty Python Song Book, so's you can go and play 'Always Look on the Bright Side of Life' at funerals and such. Mail us an address if you want it.)
Please send jokes, otherwise we'll have to send you spam full of random telephone numbers and a collection of all the words for 'sardine' from most of the world's great languages (that have a word for 'sardine' which probably rules out Mongolian but you never know).
Best joke every week wins a modest (and we mean modest) prize from the Venue office, OR you can send us a joke on behalf of your club, business or cartooning syndicate and we'll tell all our spamvictims your web address. Lovely.
Surf
Song about Llamas
www.albinoblacksheep.com
(Thanks Pete)
Cute cute CUTE!
www.broenink-art.nl
(Thanks Donna)
Motorist throws food out of window. Bicycle courier throws same back in his car. He throws coffee at her, she keys his car, road rage happens ...
www.citynoise.org
He tried to be Elvis for a Day. He failed.
www.2littleboys.com
U.S. doctors discuss their stupidest patients ...
forums.studentdoctor.net
Have you become a Pastafarian yet?
www.venganza.org
And while we're on the subject of Evolution ...
www.evolvefish.com
(Thanks Robin)
How evil is your website?
homokaasu.org
(Thanks Kit)
New Age therapy for pets
www.reikicare.co.uk
(Thanks Robin)
Sand
chir.ag
(Thanks Sara)
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