This week's SPAM, fresh from the tin.     [Get your very own SPAM here]

Put on your dark glasses and false beard and (after making sure the coast is clear) get down to the newsagents for the latest hush-hush edition of Venue magazine. It's got:

SECRET BRISTOL & BATH - Think you know all the interesting nooks and corners, quirky shops and shortcuts to living round here? Maybe we know more ... Read Venue's guide to the area's hidden treasures.

SECRET ARMY - Meet Bob Millard, whose job in WW2 was to stay behind enemy lines as part of a secret resistance army if Germany had invaded in 1940.

MIKE LEIGH - We interview the man from Manchester, he of 'Abigail's Party' all the way through to 'Vera Drake', as he comes to the West Country with a stage play.

PLUS - Aphrodisiacs road-test for Feb 14th!! ... Valentine's gift guide ... Johnny Cash bio-pic 'Walk the Line' comes to town ... and loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out! Place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell MI5 that your front garden is full of secret electronic rocks that are spying for the Russians.

* Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.49 a month!

Jokes

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?"
"It's 50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"
"That's my business. Get me the course!"
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?"
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer..."
(This joke comes to you sponsored by http://www.ishootphotos.co.uk)

Did you hear about the Buddhist who went into a burger bar?
He asked "make me one with everything"
(Thanks Jo)

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view it had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day my future "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs to me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
(This joke comes on behalf of Bristol Ska band The Emperials http://www.theemperials.co.uk)

If you type the word "Crustaceans" into www.Google.com, it comes up with technical articles about Australian reef crabs, arthropods, etc.
If you type in the French word "Crustaces", it comes up with recipes...
(Thanks Jack)

The following is a question given on a university of Toronto chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it's compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With Birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct... leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last
night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God"
This student received the only "A".
(Thanks Tray. You win this week's star prize, a biography of Eric Morecambe. Mail us an address if you wants it.)

Please send jokes. That way we don't have to apply to the Ministry of Jokes (now privatised as Joke-u-Like, and regulated by OFFJOKE) to release more jokes into the community for us to use. Send us a gag on your own behalf and you could win stuff, send it on behalf of your band, business or postmodern knitting club and we'll tell all our spamvictims your web address. Either way, just reply to this here mail with a joke. Or two.

Surf!

Still time to get your bid in for the amazing anatomical vegetable
cgi.ebay.com

Steam-powered robots
www.crabfu.com

Gallery of "demonic tots" from 1950s American adverts
www.plan59.com

Guy takes Christian picture-book for tots and 'decodes' same. Weird.
www.whatisdeepfried.com

Virus game
www.mindistortion.net

Perfect(ly offensive) Valetine gifts
www.disease.co.uk

Destroy the websites of your choice using the methods of your choice. Choice.
www.netdisaster.com

Explosion at a Netherlands fireworks factory
video.google.com

Bet on death. You can't lose ... Or can you?
www.philly.com

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