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Get Away With You!

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Jokes

The Secrets of a Happy Marriage
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Twice a week, we go to a little restaurant, have some good food, a little wine and companionship. She goes on Tuesday and I go Friday. We sleep in separate beds, hers in Sydney, mine in Melbourne. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked her where she wanted to go for our anniversary, "Somewhere I haven't been for a long time" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
We always hold hands; if I let go, she shops. She has an electric blender, an electric toaster and an electric bread-maker. When she says she has too many gadgets and nowhere to sit down, I bought her an electric chair.
Remember that marriage is the Number One cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
I married miss Right, I just didn't know that her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to her for eighteen months: I don't like to interrupt her. The last time we had a fight, it was my fault. She asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust".
In the beginning, God created the Earth and rested. Then, God created man and rested. Then God created woman. And since then, neither God nor man has rested.
(Thanks JK)

This blonde wanted to spend her entire holiday sunbathing on the roof of the hotel. The roof was deserted, so she slipped off her bikini to get an overall tan.
Five minutes later, she heard someone running toward her. Since she is lying on her stomach, she quickly pulls a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, Miss," the assistant manager says. "The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would really appreciate it if you would continue to wear your bikini."
"What difference does it make?" the blonde asks.
"No one can see me on the roof."
"Well, not exactly," the assistant manager says. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
(Thanks DivX)

An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.
"Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe.
"Yes," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."

A bear and a rabbit were having a shit in the woods. The bear says to the rabbit "Don't you hate it when shit gets stuck to your fur?"
The rabbit replies "No, it's never really bothered me."
So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his arse with it.
(Thanks to Marie for those)

Three of the most successful racehorses in history are sharing a stable (for the sake of a joke) ... Red Rum, Mill Reef and Dancing Brave.
Red Rum says: "You know, horses, when I won the Grand National for the third time I was timed over the final two furlongs at 55.5 seconds. That's exceptionally quick for National Hunt racing, apparently."
There's a respectful murmur, a shuffling of hooves, and then Mill Reef says: "Well, I don't want to piss on your chips, Rummy, but when I won the Derby I covered the final two furlongs in a little under 40 seconds, a record for the race that persists to this day."
Red Rum slopes away across the stable, chastened, but Dancing Brave pipes up from the hayrick. "Well, of course I didn't win the Derby but when I won the Arc de Triomphe at Longchamp I was timed over the final quarter of a mile at 36.9 seconds, the fastest time ever recorded."
Just then, a greyhound wanders past the stable and pops his head round the stable door. "Sorry lads, I really couldn't help overhearing your conversation," he says, "but I happened to win the 9.47 at Wimbledon last night, and covered the entire 440 yards in 20.34 seconds. Beat that!"
And Mill Reef says: "Blimey! A talking dog!"
(Thanks Maura)

Two families move from Afghanistan to America. When they arrive, the two fathers make a bet; in a year's time, whichever family has become the most Americanised will win.
A year later, they meet; the first man says, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?"
The second man replies, "F**k you, towel-head!"
(Thanks Jelf)

Getting out of the chair after having his hair cut, old Mr Jones points to Little Johnny, who's patiently waiting his turn and says to the barber: "You see that kid sitting over there? He lives next door to me, and I reckon he's the stupidest kid in town. He has no sense about money. I'll show you what I mean ...
Jake holds a £10 note in one hand and a £2 coin in the other. He calls Johnny over and says, "take whichever one you want, sonny."
Johnny reaches out, takes the £2 coin, says, "thank you Mr Jones," and goes back to his seat.
"What did I tell you?" said Mr Jones to the barber. "He does that every time. He'll never learn!" and he left the shop.
Later, it's Johnny's turn for a haircut and the barber says to him, "Don't you realise that £10 is worth a lot more than £2?"
Little Johnny replies, "Of course I do. But when I take the £10 note off the old fool, I'll never get another penny out of him."
(Thanks Annie, you win this week's star prize, which is a book of interviews of famous people conducted by Piers Morgan, former editor of the Daily Mirror. Give us an address if you don't want us to pour cold water on it and jump up and down on it.)

Send us jokes so's we can share them in a sharing kind of way with everyone else. The best joke of the week wins something from the Venue office that might be a total piece of crap or might be priceless. Or if you send us in a joke on behalf of your company, campaign or Pete Burns fan club and we'll send the address of your website to all of our spamvictims. That's the kind of advertising some people pay money for, you know.

Don't work. Surf.

If you've not already heard it, some people claim this is the best blonde joke ever.
weblog.burningbird.net

Naughty, naughty George ...
beta.cergis.com
(Thanks Julian)

The first metal band for kids!
www.thunderlords.com
(Thanks Robin)

Visiting Florida anytime soon? Then you'll want to go here:
www.theholylandexperience.com

Man walks through window:
media.putfile.com
(Thanks Henry)

The internet is for ... Funny song, possibly not worksafe.
video.google.com

New version of the lovely weird space game thing. Gorgeous.
www.samorost2.net

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