This week's SPAM, fresh from the tin.     [Get your very own SPAM here]

SKINT? HARD UP? DESTITUTE?

Then you need the latest (and very reasonably priced) edition of VENUE. Because a copy of Venue, minced up with water and oatmeal, makes a delicious and nutritious food-substitute. And because it has articles on:

MY IMPOVERISHED WEEK - What happened when our reporter was challenged to spend seven days and seven nights entertaining himself with nothing more than a pound a day. See how he fared, while picking up other, money-saving tips!

FREE BOOK! It's Bristol's Great Reading Adventure again, and bagged in with every copy of Venue is a free copy of Jules Verne's 'Around the World in 80 Days' PLUS a free reading guide. Literary or what?

PLUS - Win The Island and Wolf Creek on DVD ... Meet Bristol's world-beating robot boffins ... Jake 'Jarhead' Gyllenhaal interview ... and loads more, including your complete local entertainment guide.

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Jokes

A farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock one day, when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from the stream which ran down from one of his fields.
Realising the danger, he shouted over to the man "Paid a yfed y dwr! Mae'n ych-y-fi!" (Don't drink the water. It's disgusting!)
The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on drinking.
Realising the man at the stream couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer and yelled..."Paid a yfed! Dwr ych-y-fi! Defaid yn cachu yn y dwr!"(Don't drink. Water's disgusting. Sheep crap in the water.)
Still the walker couldn't hear the farmer.
Finally the farmer walked right up to the man at the stream and once again said..."Dwr yn ych-y-fi! Paid a'i yfed!" (Water's disgusting. Don't drink it!)
"I'm dreadfully sorry my good man, I couldn't understand a word you said dear boy! Can't you speak English???" said the man at the stream in a extremely fine English accent.
"Oh I see ... ," said the farmer. "I was just saying, if you use both hands you can get plenty more in..."
(Thanks Jack)

A husband stumbles downstairs after a heavy night on the lash. He winces as he hears his wife clattering around in the kitchen but, feeling the need for coffee, he opens the door & sees her standing at the cooker stirring something in the frying pan.
He realises a fry-up is just what would sort him out so he walks over and puts his arms around her,
"Darling, how did you know ... ?"
He stops, surprised, and then says, "Er, darling, why are you doing that to my socks?"
She replies, "Don't you remember, dear? When you got home last night, stumbled up the stairs, crashed into bed and mumbled, 'D'you wanna cook my sock?'"
(Thanks Sarah)

Millwall play Iran. Millwall fans giving it:
"You're shiite and you know you are, you're next and you know you are!"
And to the ladies: "Get your face out for the lads!"
(Thanks Tim)

It's important to keep fit as you get older, my Granny started walking five kilometres a day when she was 60. Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hell she is!

Two newly-weds turn up at a hotel and ask for the Honeymoon Suite. The receptionist asks "Do you have any reservations?"
The bride answers "Yes, I won't take it up the arse!"
(Thanks to Tony for those)

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not to far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.
The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish!
How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."
So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"
(Thanks Ang)

In October 2005 the travellers on a halting Site asked their new Clan Leader if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a "Leader" in a modern society he had never been taught the ancient and mystical ways of the travellers from times well past.
When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his clan that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the site should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone box, called the Irish Met Office and asked, "Is da comin' wintur goin' to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Leader went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the Met Office again. "Does it still look like it's goin' to be a very cold wintur?"
"Yes," the man at Met Office again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Leader again went back to his clan and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the Leader called the Met Office again. "Are ya absolutely sure that the wintur is goin' to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can ya tell?" the Leader asked.
The weatherman replied, "The knackers are collecting firewood like crazy."
(Thanks to JK, who says he was sent it by Irish friends, so that's OK then. You win this week's star prize, a copy of Brunel's Bristol by Angus Buchanan and Michael Williams. Mail us an address if you want it.)

You do realise that sending us jokes will help you keep those new years resolutions. If you spend just HALF AN HOUR sending jokes in to Venue, you will burn off about 500 calories.* So just do it and you could win some stuff from the Venue office. OR you can send us a joke on behalf of your club, campaign or the Liberal party and we'll show all our readers the address of your website. Smashing.
* Provided you're pedalling vigorously on an exercise bike at the same time.

Some links afore ye go

It's hard to be Colin Firth
www.boyhowdy.org
(Thanks Debra)

Wanna Spell?
www.wannaspell.com

Serious political stuff. Read it and be amazed.
www.huffingtonpost.com

Boy meets girl, boy and girl split up, boy registers girls name as a domain name and puts together one of the most cringeworthy websites in the world to analyse their failed relationship. So many issues, so little time ...
www.vickimango.com

The Jewish 50 Cent is called - oh yes! -
www.50shekel.com

He may not be in the Evening Post anymore, but he's alive and kicking on the internet ...
www.barrybeelzebub.co.uk

Some people will appreciate some of this as a present. NOT WORKSAFE!!
www.riechmichund.com

Make yourself more intrestesting by pretending you've been through traumas
www.by-accident.com

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