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This week's SPAM, fresh from the tin. [Get your very own SPAM here]
It's big. It's bumper. It's so big and bumper that we can't hope to describe its big bumpery bigness in a little email like this. So see for yourself; new Venue in the shops Wednesday with:
HOUSE BLING! - We visit the finest examples of homes that are decorated on the outside to light up our lives and streets.
TOP BANANA! - Find out who the Top Bananas of Bristol and Bath are in our annual awards.
SURVIVAL GUIDE - Loads of ideas for fun things to do to get you out of the house and feeling better over the holiday period. Mmmm! Feel that urge to murder family members and in-laws just melting away
... AND have a go at Venue's quiz of familiar places photographed from unfamiliar angles. Bet you can't solve 'em all!
NEW YEAR, NEW DIRECTION - Want to change your life in 2006? Get fitter? Get cleverer? Get a new job? Our 17-page guide is here to help.
PLUS ... Last-gasp panic-buying gift ideas ... The most cynical Festive Telly Guide in the world ... New Year's Eve clubbing round-up ... and loads more, including your complete local entertainment guide for the Christmas and New Year period.
Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll rearrange the Christmas lights outside your house so that instead of saying MERRY CHRISTMAS they say MERRY PANCAKE DAY.
* Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.49 a month!
Happy Jingle Ding-Dong Merrily on Drugs Christmas Jokes
One for the women: Whats the difference between a christmas tree and a man ...
A. A christmas tree stays up for twelve days and nights, has cute balls and looks good with the lights on.
(Thanks Lizzi)
Why Christmas Trees Are Better Than Women:
* A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you've had in the past.
* Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
* A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the attic.
* You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
* A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
* When you are done with a Christmas tree you can dump it in the skip and have the binmen take it away.
* A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
* A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in a trailer behind your car.
(Thanks Danny)
The Parents' Night Before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house...
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
in hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
while Mum and I faced the evening with dread:
a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
so if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
all over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Dearest" said Mum, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
with "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my missus just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
and not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
for the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
I gratefully went, though I suppose
there's something to say for those self-deluded...
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!
(Thanks Annie)
Rudolph the Great, a Russian tsar, was standing in his house one day with his wife gazing out his window. He turned to his wife and said, "Look darling, it's raining."
She responded, "I don't think so, dear. I think it's snowing."
But Rudolph, confident that he knew better, said to his wife, "Let's step outside and we'll find out."
Lo and behold, they stepped outside and discovered that it was in fact raining.
Rudolph turned to his wife and replied, "I knew it was raining. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
(Thanks Karen)
A young man wanted to buy a Christmas gift for his girlfriend. They hadn't been going out very long so he thought long and hard before remembering that on their last couple of dates she had complained her hands were cold. So he decided a pair of gloves might be appropriate, not too personal but, nonetheless, thoughtful.
Accompanied by his girlfriend's sister, they went to Harrods and he bought a stylish pair of cream-colored leather gloves. At the same time, the sister bought a pair of knickers and they both asked for their purchases to be gift-wrapped.
Unfortunately, the shop assistant mixed the items up and the guy left with the gift-wrapped knickers and the girlfriend's sister left with the gloves.
The boyfriend, without checking his package, decided to deliver his present in person, but when he arrived at his girlfriend's house she wasn't in. So instead he posted the present through her front door accompanied by the following note:-
"Happy Christmas Darling,
"I hope you like these. I chose them because I noticed you're not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evenings. Had it not been for your sister, I'd have chosen long ones with white buttons, but she wears short ones & they're easier to pull off I was worried because they're a delicate shade but the shop assistant showed me the pair she's worn for the past 3 weeks & they're hardly
soiled at all.
"I had her try on yours & 'though a little tight, they looked really smart. She said that the material helps keep her ring clean & shiny & in fact she hasn't had to wash it since wearing them. I wish you'd been there so I could've put them on for you myself, as no doubt many hands will come in contact with them before I see you again. Just think how many times I'll hold them in my hand over the coming year.
"When you take them off, remember to blow into them, as they will be a little damp from wearing. I hope you'll wear them for me on Friday night.
"All my love,
"Dave XXX"
(Thanks Nick)
THE CHAV NATIVITY
There's this bird called Mary, right. She's a virgin (wossat then?) She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit? He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.
One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like "Oo ya lookin at?"
Gabriel just goes "You got one up the duff, you have."
Mary's totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large "Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!"
So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself. Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that. She's like, "Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we are gonna get."
Mary goes "Yeah, s'pose you're right."
Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee an' that. But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep
an' that.
Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their heads. They're like "Respect, bay-bee Jee", an' say they're wise men from the East End.
Joe goes: "If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an' myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?"
It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from his guv. He's like "The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt."
Joe goes "You must be monged if you think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey!"
Gabriel sez "Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay."
So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's safe an' that. Then Joe and Mary and and Baby Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into Stella.
'APPY CRIMBO
(Thanks Rina, Karen and JK)
A Charity Pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics erupted into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted "He's Behind You!"
(Thanks anon)
Psychological Christmas Songs
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are...
SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?
NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town . . . or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!
PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.
OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...
(Thanks Maura. You win this year's extra special Christmas Spamper of a box-set of Bette Davis movies and the Will Smith Party Starter Remixes CD. Get us an address right now if you want 'em in time for Crimbo)
Make it your new year's resolution to send jokes to Venue's Spam department and you could WIN STUFF. Take some time out over that dead period between Boxing Day and New Year's Eve, hit the reply button and send us some gags we've not heard before.
A handful of Christmas links to be going on with ...
Santa wants a sherry. Use the arrow keys to get him a glass. But steady now. If he staggers too near to the track all your Xmas dreams may go up in smoke:
www.banditos.info
(Thanks Pam)
Ideal Xmas gift for the serious green in your life
www.jenkinspublishing.com
Tampon Angels
web.dbtech.net
What Christmas is like at the Venue office
www.urbanoutfitters.com
Rockin' housbling
media.putfile.com
This year's must-have love-toy
www.amazon.com
The Life of Jesus in Christmas Lights.
www.doesthisblogmakemybuttlookbig.com
AND FINALLY Every American knows this by heart, but not too many Brits. It makes us all feel that maybe journalism ain't such a bad calling after all:
www.newseum.org
And so ... It only remains to wish all 4,000 of our subscribers and all 10 of our actual readers a very merry and peaceful Christmas and a happy new year.
THAT'S IT!! I'M OFF DOWN THE PUB, ME!!
If you want to be put on the e-mailing list and receive rubbish like this every week (well, most weeks), pop yourself on here:
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