This week's SPAM, fresh from the tin.     [Get your very own SPAM here]

Woo and yay!

It's that party time of year again. Here at Venue we've got the Happy Shopper lager-flavoured drink in, a small bag of Twiglets and we've reinforced the glass on the photocopier. Now the latest issue (in the shops Wednesday) is ready go get down with ...

PARTY BANDS - They're probably never going to make it big, but there are plenty of local bands out there who spend their evenings and weekends making parties go with a bang. Come meet the west's best party bands.

CHRISTMAS FLICKS - They're here! Disney blockbuster The Chronicles of Narnia comes to town, as does a surprise hit documentary about penguins. But are they any good, and what do they have in common?

GORDON MONTGOMERY - Fopp's boss now has a nationwide empire of 14 stores, with a new bumper branch opening in Bath. We talk to the (normally reclusive) big cheese about his journey from stall owner to taking on the big guns at HMV.

KNOWLE WEST - How loads of community projects are giving the area a new lease of life.
PLUS - Club night Espionage is ten ...Win loads of DVDs ... Local book gifts for Christmas and loads more, including your complete ten day what's on guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell everyone the office party is round at your house.

* Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.49 a month!

Joke I up, landlord!

The war continues ... eight words, his'n'her meanings ...
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female ... Any part under a car's bonnet.
Male ... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female ... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male ... Playing cricket without a box, or rugby without shinpads.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female ... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male ... Leaving a note - eg 'Don't forget to record Saturday's footie' - before taking off on a fishing trip with his mates.
4. COMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female ... A desire to settle down, create a home and raise a family.
Male ... Trying not to hit on other women while out with the current one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female ... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male ... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female ... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male ... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female ... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male ... a really good use of five minutes
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female ... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male ... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
(Thanks Pam)

A waiter delivered a bottle of fine Merlot to a beautiful woman and said, "This is from the gentleman at the bar."
She looked at the wine and the man for a moment, and then sent back a written reply.
The gentleman read it. "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in the garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."
He read the note, and then composed one of his own. She read, "For your information, I have a Ferrari, a BMW, a Mercedes and a Porsche in my garage and twenty million in the bank, but not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off three inches. Send back the wine!"
(Thanks Tim)

The zoo at San Diego had a problem: their dolphins kept on having sex in front of the visitors. So the keeper came up with a plan: feed them on so many seagulls (their favourite food) that they'd be too sated to be bothered to make love. The plan worked.
One day, on his way to feed the dolphins, the keeper found the zoo's old lion asleep in the doorway of the aquarium. "Poor thing," thought the keeper, "he's old, toothless, and permanently asleep. I won't wake him up." So the keeper stepped gently over the lion, and immediately two police officers appeared at his side and told him he was under arrest. "On what charge?" asked the stunned keeper. To which one of the officers replied: "Transportation of gulls across a staid lion for immoral porpoises."
("Badum. And verily, tish," says Oliver, who sends this joke in on behalf of Britol's own and very wonderful online advent calendar - see www.electricdecember.org)

George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."
George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"
(Thanks to Kat for that sponsored joke which is brought to you by the users of www.doctorwho.myfreeforum.org a forum for Doctor Who fans. They want some new members: that's www.doctorwho.myfreeforum.org - join it now!)

Q. What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't want in her face?
A. Wrinkles!
(Thanks Helen)

"Hello, is that the Police? I want to report my neighbour Dave Smith. I think he's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"
"Thank you for the tip, sir."
Officers descended on Smith's house, searched the shed, found the firewood and hacked open every piece, but found nothing inside.
As they drove away empty-handed, Dave's phone rang. "Hey, Dave, it's Mike. Did the cops come by yet?"
"Yeah, they certainly did!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yeah."
"Happy birthday, mate!"
(Thanks Will)

One day, a mechanic was working late under a car and some brake fluid dripped into his mouth. The next day, he told his buddy about tasting the brake fluid. "It's not bad," he said. "I think I'll have a little more today."
His friend was a little concerned, but didn't say anything.
A few days later, he was up to a cup a day. His friend was really worried. "You know that brake fluid is poison and really bad for you. You better stop drinking that," his friend pleaded.
"Hey, no problem," said the mechanic, "I can stop any time."
(Thanks Jack. You win this week's star prize, a set of four interactive quiz DVDs - mail us a postal address if you want 'em.)

Please take a moment out from your Xmas partying, shopping and Christmas card writering to send us a joke. If we don't get enough jokes the management have told us that we won't be fed on Christmas day and will have to break rocks as usual. Send us a gag on your own account and you could win something lovely from the Venue office which you just might be able to pawn off on someone as a thoughtful Xmas gift. Send us a gag on behalf of your club, company or the Conservative Party leadership and we'll tell all our spamvictims its web address.

Don't work. Surf.

Cows with guns
www.3dweb.no
(Thanks Nick)

Oirish search engine
www.doogle.org
(Thanks Pam)

And the moral is ... either lock the door or don't wear your headphones. Not altogether worksafe!
www.kontraband.com

Chess babes.
www.1wcbc.com

Beware the dangers of self-abuse
www.neatorama.com

Weird animals
www.humandescent.com

What's this cannibalism thing like, then?
food.oregonstate.edu

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