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This week's SPAM, fresh from the tin. [Get your very own SPAM here]
Just Out to Walk the Dog
Who needs 24-hour drinking when you've got Venue, a round-the-clock binge of magazine-shaped excitement, which won't get you into fights or make you feel sick? (Not literally anyway.) This week's has:
LOVELY LOCALS - Trendy town centre bars, gastropubs and drinking at home are all threatening your traditional local boozer, but they're not going down without a fight. Meet some people who've saved their neighbourhood pubs and read our totally biased guide to the finest proper-job locals in town.
CIVIL PARTNERSHIPS - A couple from Bristol are in the race to be the first in England to enter into a "gay marriage".
PLUS ... Win Enchanted Forest family tickets ... Philip Pullman interview ... Judge Jules ... Rufus Wainwright ... Books and DVDs of the year ... Totterdown Art Trail and loads more, including your complete ten day what's on guide.
Whether you're going out or staying in, Venue has it all. Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now or we'll tell everyone there's 24-hour drinking round your house.
* Or just call 0117 942 8491 and subscribe for just £4.49 a month!
Jokes, then ...
Little Girl: "Mummy, Mummy, do they have Christmas decorations in Vietnam?"
Mummy: "Not usually, but this year they will be hanging Glitter"
(Thanks to several people for that. One or two of you might not have heard it.)
Q. Why are Chavs like slinkies?
A. They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.
(Thanks Lizzi)
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 pm sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 pm and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come round to the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did come in for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you £500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, said, "Good, I was hoping he did. He came to my office this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
(Thanks Nick)
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug out. Do you want a room with or without a view?"
(Thanks Sweetland1st)
The year is 1943. A middle-aged woman is listening to her radio about what is happening in the war. While she listens, she is interrupted by a knock at the door. She is terrified to find a General at the door and fears for her Husband, who is in Eastern France.
General: Your husband has been promoted to head of his platoon.
Wife: Oh, thank goodness, I thought you were going to tell me he had died!
General: Unfortunately, 2 days ago, he led his men behind enemy lines at night. It was very dark and he and his men came under attack by snipers.
Wife: Oh no!
General: He was hit in the heart.
Wife: My poor, poor husband!
General: Luckily we managed to get a Red Cross ambulance to him. He was alive.
Wife: Phew... I thought I had lost him...
General: Shortly after crossing back into French-held land, the ambulance crashed and killed all 4 people on board--
Wife: NOO!!! I can't be!
General: --Except your husband.
Wife: Oh, thank the Lord!
General: As he stumbled back towards the medic camp, he stood on a 32lb landmine.
Wife: Why him. Why my husband!?!
General: Luckily, he escaped, while only losing one leg!
Wife: Well at least he isn't dead!
General: Now here is the bad news: He is dead. Just as he was regaining consciousness, he was run over by a tank...
Wife: WHY GOD, WHY!?!?!
General: Luckily, that wasn't him. -- Only some guy he hired to be him.
Wife: What?... Where is he then?
General: In Bristol living with another woman called Margery!
Wife: I'LL KILL HIM FOR THAT!!!
General: No need. -- He's been shot for desertion!
(Thanks to Kat for that sponsored joke, brought to you by the users of www.doctorwho.myfreeforum.org a forum for Doctor Who fans. They want some new members and she's sent us loads of jokes we'd not heard before. That's www.doctorwho.myfreeforum.org - join it now! )
A woman was making fried eggs for her husband's breakfast.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOSH! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOSH! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
(Thanks Allie. You win this week's star prize - a three DVD set of Cliff Richard live in concert. Mail us an address if you want it.)
Please send jokes. Jokes win free stuff which you might want or which might make an unconvincing Christmas present for someone you don't like. Next week's prize is a set of four quiz DVDs - you sit the family down and play them on the telly - there's Gary Lineker's Football Challenge, The Ultimate Pop Quiz, a Soap Quiz and the Great British Pub Quiz. Just the thing for a rainy Boxing Day, though they're review copies in unsexy packaging, so no-one will believe you've paid money for them. OR you can send us a joke on behalf of your club, newsgroup or 24-hour formation drinking team and we'll tell all our spamvictims the URL of your website. Fantastic!
Links ...
I'd rather starve than work for this firm.
www.brandnewtelly.com
Let them sing it for you ...
www.sr.se
Amazing computery art
www.complexification.net
Make your own Aluminium Foil Deflector Beanie (to give it its proper name).
zapatopi.net
What happens when you get Lord of the Rings, gayness and Photoshop all mixed up. Slightly un-worksafe.
www.squidge.org
Couple of guys impersonate Backstreet Boys. The one on the left is either the life and soul of every party or certifiably insane.
video.google.com
Kinda the opposite of what the URL suggests. Not altogether worksafe.
sportsdignity.com
Just the thing for the Modern Parents
www.amamantafamily.com
If you want to be put on the e-mailing list and receive rubbish like this every week (well, most weeks), pop yourself on here:
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