This week's SPAM, fresh from the tin.     [Get your very own SPAM here]

THAT BE BRISTLE - Harry Stoke and Vinny Green are back with a new edition of their 'Dictionary of Bristle'. They teach us how to talk proper Bristle, and tell us about the time they got mobbed in the Mall.

POLE POSITION - Meet the west's large and surprising Polish community.

LURA - The new world music sensation from the Cape Verde Islands was discovered by a Bristol record label, so she's sort of ours ...

PLUS - WIN Creature Comforts DVDs ... Rory Bremner interview, Nick Park interview ... Local food books and loads more, including your complete ten day what's on guide.

Whether you're going out or staying in, Venue has it all. Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll buy a goat for a village (Clifton Village) instead of getting you a proper Christmas present.

* Or just call 0117 942 8491 and subscribe for just £4.49 a month!

Jokes

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus sopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, Thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
(Thanks Robin)

I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one animal there, a dog
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... It was a Shitzu
(Thanks Jim)

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! We're practically brothers! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
(Thanks Kit via Adam via Emo Phillips)

Doctor goes in to see George Best, "George," he says, "I've got some good news and some bad news, which do you want first".
Best says, "OK Doc give me the bad news first".
The Doctor says, "George I'm afraid you only have one hour left to live".
Best says "Only one hour to live!!! So what the hell is the good news?"
Doctor: "It's Happy Hour".
(Thanks to several people for that one)

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
To that she replies "Well, come here and I'll warm them between my legs."
He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
(Thanks Lizzi)

A married couple in their early 60s, were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny, yet beautiful, fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will give you each a wish."
"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband!" said the wife.
The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra! - two tickets for the QE2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said, "Well this is all very romantic - but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime ... so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me".
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and, abracadabra, the husband became 92 years old.
Moral: Men might be bastards ... But fairies are female.
(Thanks Nick)

Emily is going to be a single parent and is expecting twins any day now. But one night she's walking home when she's run over by a hit-and-run driver and knocked unconscious.
At the hospital, they realise she's likely to be in a coma for some time and so they'll have to deliver the babies by caesarian. First, though, they have to contact her only living relative, her brother Graham.
Four months after the accident, Emily comes out of her coma and is greeted by her brother, who she's not seen for years É "Graham... where am I? What about my babies, are they okay?"
"It's alright, you're in hospital. You've had a nasty accident. You've been in a coma for four months," says Graham reassuringly.
"But what about my twins, where are they?" She asks.
"The doctors had to take them out by ceasarian to keep them alive, but they're both doing fine! You've had a boy and a girl. You're a mum now sis!"
Emily is overjoyed and hugs her brother.
Graham has more news É "Emily, while you were in the coma, the social services came to me and said the births needed to be registered, and as their nearest relative I had to register them, so I had to give them names."
"Oh, so what have you called them?" she asked.
"Well, I've called the called the girl Denise."
"Oh that's a nice name. I like that, and what about my little boy?"
"Oh, I've called him Denephew!"
(Thanks Maura, you win this week's star prize of a clutch of singles from Sugababes, McFly, The Black Eyed Peas and James Blunt. Mail us an address if you want them.)

Please take time out from worrying about how you can afford Christmas and send us jokes. The joke which each week makes the Spam Department laugh most bigly wins something awful from the Venue office. Mind you, next week we've got a PRIZE WORTH HAVING in the form of a lovely Beast T-Shirt with a proper job Bristolian motif (see http://www.beast-clothing.com)

Surf.

Panda Bounce game. Unspeakably cute.
www.rubytooth.co

Not for the faint-hearted. 'Specially the "plastic surgery pix".
www.mygastricbypass.com
(Thanks Jake)

Interesting idea, but I'll stick with the Whigs.
www.pledgebank.com

No thanks, I reckon I'll just starve instead ...
www.bevnet.com

Japanese TV madness; office ladies in bacon hats served up to an iguana ...
video.google.com

The Candiru is a little fish found in Brazilian rivers, it has little sharp teeth and a fondness for men's hurtyparts. The surgeons extracted this little feller from the patient's scrotum ...
www.internext.com.br
And here is the explanation in English: www.straightdope.com

"You remember that page you asked about? The one with loads of random
cassettes? Here it is," says Damian. Thanks Damian.
hanazuc02.ld.infoseek.co.jp

For the kids who have everything
www.lifelikefriends.co.uk
(Thanks Lou)

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