This week's SPAM, fresh from the tin.     [Get your very own SPAM here]

In years to come, this week's Venue will be selling at auction for millions, as it's a fabulous work of modern art. We know this because lots of people say it looks like it was made by a four-year-old.

CUTTING EDGE - You can keep your Tate Modern and Turner Prize - Bristol and Bath have it all, from exhibitions in people's front rooms on upwards. See how we lead the art world round these parts, and meet six leading local artists to find out how living in the West influences their work.

SPIKE ISLAND AND HOTWELLS - From Aardman to the Adam & Eve, we scratch beneath the surface of this vibrant, creative twin community.

PLUS - Blondie comes to town ... WIN a year's supply of beer!! ... Caring at Christmas ... Primark & FCUK fashion ... Johnny Depp on 'The Libertine' AND lots more, including your complete ten day what's on guide.

Whether you're going out or staying in, Venue has it all. Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll start Christmas even sooner.

* Or just call 0117 942 8491 and subscribe for just £4.49 a month!

Jokes

A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a car boot sale, and said to one of the stallholders, "My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a car boot sale."
"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found," said the seller.
"Normally, yes," she said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."
(Thanks Bim)

The only cow in a small town in Northern France stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a new one much cheaper from England, even after paying for it to come over on the ferry.
They brought the cow from England and it was an excellent cow, producing lots of milk. The people were very happy. The obvious thing to do now was get a bull to mate with her to produce more excellent cows. They need not worry about their milk supply ever again.
They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. But whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the local vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the vet: "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in England?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in England?"
The vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from England."
(Bit of Gallic humour there from Gaston, which is probably not his/her real name)

Moby was walking along the Gloucester Road when it starts raining, so he ducked into a pub, quaffed a number of pints, and then a few more, and began the long slow stagger home in the midnight hour. He was feeling a bit peckish so he stepped into the New Delhi take-away and ordered an extra hot vindaloo.
Getting home at last, Moby put the curry on the kitchen table while and went to the bathroom to take a leak.
While he was gone his cat walked in. Myum myum. Nibble nibble. Chow chow. Lick lick. The vindaloo vanished.
Sure enough, Moby returned and was shocked to find his pussy fully immersed, whiskers in the sauce, licking the tin clean.
Moby grabbed his cat by the scruff of its neck, and carried him out to the trash bin. "You horrible little floor mop. Now you've done it! Good riddance!" he shouted. Filling a dustbin with water, he tossed the cat into it and slammed the lid down.
A few minutes later he heard a knock on the window, and when he looked he saw his cat.
The cat looked at him and asked, "You wouldn't happen to have any more water, would you?"
(Thanks Jack)

Sister Mary (a nun) is driving along in her little car on her way back from visiting the old people's home, when she runs out of petrol.
She knows there's a garage just around the corner, so she gets out and walks to it and asks the mechanic if she can borrow a can to fill with petrol to start her car.
"Sorry sister," says the man. "I'm afraid that the only petrol can we had is on loan to someone else who also ran out of petrol. But if you want to wait, it might come back soon."
Sister Mary has an idea. "No, it's alright. I have something in my car which will serve just as well as a petrol can. I'll be back in a minute."
She returns to her car and gets out the bed-pan which she had been taking back to the hospital from the old people's home. She takes it to the garage, fills it with petrol and goes back to her car again.
Two men are watching her pour its contents into the tank. One says to the other: "If that car starts now I'm converting to Catholicism."
(Thanks Maura)

Tired of constant media coverage asking "Is Osama is still alive?" Bin Ladin decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one at the FBI could solve it so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. They were equally puzzled as to its meaning so eventually asked Britain's MI6 for help.
Within a minute MI6 cabled the White House with this reply: "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down"
(Thanks Pam. You win this week's star prize of another copy of Peter York's book 'Dictators' Homes', which should make the ideal Christmas present for the megalomaniac in your life. Send us address if you want it.)

You can either do one of two good deeds this week. Either you can give all your money and possessions to the Reverend Sun Myung Moon OR you can send the Venue Spam department a joke. With one you (might) get cosmic enlightenment and a free mass-wedding, while the other (might) win a piece of crap from the Venue office. The choice is yours. Smashing. Just mail that joke in reply to this here mail and everything will be just fine.

(Or you can send in a joke on behalf of your business, campaigning group or used bus ticket collectors society, and we'll tell all 4,000 of our spamvictims the URL of its website.)

APPEAL AGAIN AGAIN

We want your tales of miserable and/or complicated family Christmases ... How many different sets of rellies do you have to visit? Do you have to have eight separate Xmas dinners? Who's got the biggest number of half-sisters and half-brothers? Who's got the most in-laws? Who has to tread on the largest number of diplomatic eggshells to stay sane AND avoid hurting too many people's feelings over the Festering Season?

Tell us about your most painful family Christmas ever, or about all the hoops you have to jump through this year. Be nice if it's humorous, but that's not essential. If we get an article out of it, we promise WE WILL NOT USE YOUR REAL NAME. Best entry wins a small prize which will in no way assuage your seasonal misery. Think of writing the thing as catharsis. Just mail it in response to this email, or send it direct to E.Byrne@venue.co.uk

'Blinks ...

Bloody hell! Maybe you know someone who'd want one of these for Christmas. Not worksafe!
www.realhamster.com

Click on the yeti once to launch the penguin, click on it again to hit the penguin.
n.ethz.ch
(Thanks Darryl)

The TWUNT500 Artificially Intelligent Swearing Computer. Puerile.
www.diyjoe.com

Yes, it's true. They really do have a hymn to glaucoma on their website.
www.globalaigs.org

David Icke's list of the Lizard People. Full of surprises.
www.theforbiddenknowledge.com

What happens when you're not looking
www.justracin.net
(Thanks Pam)

Don't try this at home, kids. Not Worksafe!
www.xpl.se

Japanese flying squirrel. Very cute, in a Japanese kind of way.
www.momonga.com

Interesting bit of British wartime heritage which probably won't be around much longer
www.undergroundkent.co.uk

Cruel. Dutch daytime TV host cracks up over interviewee's disability.
www.high.be.nyud.net:8090

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