This week's SPAM, fresh from the tin.     [Get your very own SPAM here]

There's a big queue at the newsagent's this week as everyone is desperate for Bristol and Bath's favourite magazine. But the door staff will wave you straight through, 'cos you’re on the guest list for …

CLUB AND CLUBBERER

There's a big queue at the newsagent's this week as everyone is desperate for Bristol and Bath's favourite magazine. But the door staff will wave you straight through, 'cos you’re on the guest list for …

JOIN THE CLUB – Don’t spend those long evenings vegetating in front of the telly! Come with us as we browse through Bristol's booming book club scene – and then meet some of the west's odder clubs and societies.

GO CLUBBING – The insider gossip from all of Bristol's nightclub scenes; what's in, what's out, what's coming up – all in our special 16-page clubbing feature.

KISS KISS, BANG BANG – we talk to Hollywood bad boy, Robert Downey Jnr and director Shane 'Lethal Weapon' Black about the year's most talked-about thriller.

PLUS … West's disaster plans … Clubbing fashions … Funny man Miles Kington interviewed … Firework displays guide … AND loads more, including your complete ten-day what's on guide.

For going out or staying in, Venue has it all. Don’t miss out – place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll turn your house into a City Academy.

Now it's getting darker earlier, you'll need some jokes …

A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing moment in listener's lives. The final three were:

Third Place - It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled 'SURPRISE!!'. My entire family parents, grand parents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.

Second Place - A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, "Price check for Tampax supersize." But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks', and replied in a businesslike tone, his voice booming over the same public address system: "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind one you belt in with a hammer?"

And the winner is … This happened at a major Australian University, during a biology lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?" The professor responded, yes, that's correct adding some statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without another word, walked out of the class. However, as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your! throat".
(Thanks Henry)

A customer couldn't get on the internet and rang the Helpdesk …
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
(Thanks Jack)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. There are hundreds of cute, small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow and the woman rolls over to face him. Smiling, she asks "Well, how was it?"
The guy says...

"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
(Thanks Nick)

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP -Wasps of the World and the sounds that they make - available now"
Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."
"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."
The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."
"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"
"I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."
Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.
"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."
"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant …

"I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."
(Thanks Karen)

It was the day of the school photograph. So the children had all been lined up on chairs and standing on benches, and the photograph was taken, a lovely picture of the kids smiling. Straight afterwards, the teacher was trying to persuade each of them to get their mums and dads to buy a copy of the lovely group shot.
"Just think how nice it will be, to look back at it in many years to come, when you're all grown up many decades from now, and say, 'There's Lisa; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Tom, he's a doctor …'"
From the back of the room, Little Johnny pipes up: "And there's the Teacher ... she's dead."
(Thanks Heather. You win this week's star prize of a copy of Peter York's very interesting book 'Dictators' Homes'. Gissa address if u wantum).

Send us a joke and you could win something brilliant or something clueless from the Venue office – it's a great big happy-go-lucky-dip when you send Venue a joke. OR you can send in a joke on behalf of your club, campaigning group or loony pants-worshipping religious cult and we'll tell all 4,000 of our spamvictims the URL of its website. Smashing. Just mail that joke in reply to this here mail and everything will be just fine.

APPEAL AGAIN

Last week as asked you to send us tales of miserable and/or complicated family Christmases and had a few nice responses, including a lovely one from a woman who has to buy presents for 63 nephews and nieces. But we need more!

How many different sets of rellies do you have to visit? Do you have to have eight separate Xmas dinners? Who's got the biggest number of half-sisters and half-brothers? Who's got the most in-laws? Who has to tread on the largest number of diplomatic eggshells to stay sane AND avoid hurting too many people's feelings over the Festering Season?

Tell us about your most painful family Christmas ever, or about all the hoops you have to jump through this year. Be nice if it's humorous, but that's not essential. If we get an article out of it, we promise WE WILL NOT USE YOUR REAL NAME. Best entry wins a small prize which will in no way assuage your seasonal misery. Think of writing the thing as catharsis. Just mail it in response to this email, or send it direct to E.Byrne@venue.co.uk

Now look here …

Sorry to get all political and everything, but this is deadly serious
www.banterminator.org

Make a killer rat cake
www.theyrecoming.com

Useful information, news stories from around the world, penetrating comment … Not even slightly worksafe.
www.pervscan.com
(Thanks Robin)

Design your own baby. Deeply disturbing.
www.davideodesign.co.uk

Dead interesting optical illusion
www.patmedia.net

Very addictive.
www.bitstorm.org

Excellent search-engine for sounds, so’s you can change your computer to make dentist’s drill noises when something goes wrong. Or something.
www.findsounds.com

A site for people who wish they were horses. Sheesh!
www.unicorn-dream.co.uk

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