This week's SPAM, fresh from the tin.     [Get your very own SPAM here]

The Big Bang

Remember, remember … to get down the newsagents for this week's edition of Venue magazine. It's got lots of bright, fizzing and banging things in it, such as:

THE GUNPOWDER PLOT – It's the live music event of the century. Some 30 of the finest bands from the West come together in Bristol for a fourteen-hour gig.

STOKES CROFT – It's small, but it's a unique part of Bristol. Meet some of the people who live and work there and find out what makes it tick.

GLOBAL DIRECTORY – Your FREE 40-page guide to helping the world and saving the planet, produced in partnership with Oxfam.

PLUS WIN!! Converse trainers ... Terry Gilliam interview … Quangos – the real power in the West … The Legend of Zorro comes West … Halloween family fun … AND loads more, including your complete ten-day what's on guide.

For going out or staying in, Venue has it all. So don't miss out – place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell everyone that smoking is banned everywhere in the country except the living room of your house.

*Or just phone 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for only £4.49 a month!

Jokes, luvverly jokes, get 'em while they're hot.

One morning a husband returns after a few hours of (useless) fishing and decides to give it a break for the day. Although not familiar with the lake, or the boat the wife decides to get some peace and quiet.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, lies back in the sun and reads her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says,"Good morning Madam. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious")
"You're in a restricted fishing area" he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you!" says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day" and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. She also be able to think
(Thanks Donna)

Two Americans land at Heathrow and rent a car. They are driving through London when they get pulled over by a cop. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his stick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"
The officer answers, "You're in London son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The officer does a check on the driver's license, and he's O.K.. He gives the man his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him on the head with the stick.
The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"
The officer says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"
The officer says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your friend here, "I wish that a*shole would've tried that sh*t with me!"
(Thanks George)

Scott took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Mary?" asked Scott. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale, it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Scott again asked Mary what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Scott lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to go next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Scott figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Mary responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
(Thanks Nick)

One elderly gentleman said to another, "You're never too old, Harry. Why just yesterday I was flirting with this cute young college girl and she said she'd be interested in dating me."
"Really?" asked Harry.
"Well, nowadays women are more confident about asking a guy out Just one thing I didn't understand. What is carbon 14'?

First blonde: 'I had a pregnancy test yesterday!
Second blonde: 'Really? Were the questions hard?
(Thanks Angie)

Lorry driver driving through Essex. Stops at a red light, and a car pulls up behind him, the door opens and a blonde woman gets out, runs up to the door and knocks on his window.
The lorry driver lowers the window and the woman says: "Hi, my name's Heather, you're losing your load from your lorry"
The lorry driver grunts and winds his window back up and as the lights change he pulls away, only to get caught at the next set of lights, where the blonde again knocks on the window, gets him to lower it and as if it never happened says: "Hi, my name's Heather, you're losing your load from your lorry"
He again rolls his eyes and pulls away as the lights change... once again he gets caught by the lights and he sees her running up once more. She again knocks on the window, he lowers it and again she comes out with: "Hi, my name's Heather, you're losing your load from your lorry"
He says something rather rude under his breath and roars away from the lights shaking his head. He swears like mad as he sees the next set of lights turning red and the woman's car tearing up behind him. Before she can get out he throws open his door, jumps down and legs it back to her car. She rolls her window down as he knocks and he says: "Hi, my name's Dave, and I'm driving a f**king gritter!
(Thanks Robin. You win this week's star prize of a DVD of surfing flick 'Big Wednesday' and a biography of Will Young. Your address please.)

Send us a joke and you, too, could win some stuff. Next week's star prize is a copy of style guru Peter York's definitive guide, 'Dictators Homes', which is actually dead interesting and funny. Send us a joke on behalf of your club, campaign or city academy and we'll tell all our spamvictims the address of its website.

APPEAL - HOW RUBBISH IS YOUR CHRISTMAS?

Families, eh? About now, you're probably starting to fret over the Christmas arrangements, and for many people, the life of the modern extended family can be very complicated. You might have half-brothers and sisters, children by several different relationships, or you might have opted out of it all by going completely gay.

Tell us about it. How many different sets of rellies do you have to visit? Do you have to have eight separate Xmas dinners? Who's got the biggest number of half-siblings? Who's got the most in-laws? Who has to tread on the largest number of diplomatic eggshells to stay sane AND avoid hurting too many people's feelings over the Festering Season?

Send us a short summary about your most painful family Christmas ever, or about all the hoops you have to jump through this year. Be nice if it's humorous, but that's not essential. If we get an article out of it, we promise WE WILL NOT USE YOUR REAL NAME. No need to ask for anonymity as that's guaranteed anyhow.

The best entry will win a small and probably ironic prize which will in no way assuage your seasonal misery. Think of writing the thing as catharsis. It's the only consolation we can offer. Just mail in response to this email, or send it to E.Byrne@venue.co.uk

Surf's up!

'If you see a girl with a small black dog dressed as a bee, you know it's me, says Rachel
beedogs.com
(Thanks Rachel)

A bit political
www.backingblair.co.uk

We're pretty sure they don't mean it.
babycage.net

"Woman: It's a pity about that actress who stabbed someone with her knife. What's her name? ...Um...Reese?"
"Chick: Witherspoon?"
"Woman: No! With her knife!"
Stuff overheard in New York. Someone should start something similar for Bristol buses.
www.overheardinnewyork.com

Are you a chap who likes drinking beer? You MUST read this. It's either admirable and slightly erotic, or it's a grotesque feminist plot to poison our most previous liquid.
www.thestranger.com

Play Save the Hoodie with Lady Sovereign
www.savethehoodie.com

One for Halloween (get to the virtual carving bit )
www.liquidgeneration.com
(Thanks Pam)

Stupid, stupid, pig-ignorant American MORONS! (Watch the guy's map really carefully!)
www.allfunnyclips.com

Worried about the erosion of privacy? This is brilliant!
www.adcritic.com

Like Wikipedia. Only about swearing.
www.profaniwiki.com

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