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Get Away With You!

Kick up the leaves on your way to the newsagents for this week's Venue! It's got:

AUTUMN BREAKS – squeeze the last drop out of summer with our guide to quickie holidays, from wild city breaks to pampering weekends to family-friendly jaunts - and everything in between.

MICHAEL EAVIS EXCLUSIVE – Glastonbury's grandaddy has turned 70 and writes exclusively for Venue.

BEHIND CLOSED DOORS - Domestic violence accounts for a fifth of all violent crime in Bristol; so what's being done about it?

PLUS … WIN!! Spooky DVDs … Fundraising cop to climb Kilimanjaro … Vegan Food Fayre … Sexy underwear shopping guide … Bloc Party … Family half-term events … Bristol filmmaker directs Emma Thompson and Colin Firth in 'Nanny McPhee' … AND loads more, including your complete ten day what's on guide.

For going out or staying in, Venue has it all. So don’t miss out – place a regular order for Venue with your newsagent now* or we'll tell all the shops that you haven’t started your Christmas shopping for 2006 yet, and they'll be very cross with you.

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Public safety announcement: You cannot catch bird flu from reading these jokes.

Yesterday Nancy's son, Frankie, came home and said, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is - I got 18 out of 20 on my driving test."
Nancy said, "Great! Now what's the bad news?"
Frankie said, "They were pedestrians."
(Thanks Jack)

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband LOVES me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
(Thanks Julian)

Q. How many Grateful Dead fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. They wait for it to burn out then follow it round for thirty years.
(This is a sponsored joke from Paul, who would like anyone who used to visit The Granary rock club in Bristol back in the day to get in touch with him for his academic project. Mail him at paulvallis@hotmail.com )

A duck hunter is out one day having no luck. He hunts the whole morning and couldn't get a single kill. On the way home he comes up to a farm house and flying over the barnyard is a big flock of fat mallards. Seeing his last chance for success, he takes aim at what looked like the biggest duck in the flock and gave it both barrels. The duck fell from the sky and landed in the middle of a barnyard.
As the hunter nears the barnyard and the dead duck, he sees he's got himself a beauty. But when he is a mere 20 paces from the duck, a farmer steps out of the barn, picks up the duck and heads for the house.
"Hey!" said the hunter, "Come back with my duck!"
"Your duck?" says the farmer, "It was lying dead in my barnyard; it's MY duck."
"No! No! You don't understand!" shouts the hunter. "I shot it and it just happened to fall here. It's mine!"
"Okay, city fella. We'll settle this the country way," says the farmer.
"Country way? What's that?" says the hunter.
"We take turns hitting each other as hard as we can," says the farmer. "Last man standing wins the duck ... That is, unless you're yella."
"Of course I'm not yellow," says the hunter.
"Fine. Country way it is," says the farmer. "Since we're on my property, I'll go first."
With that, the farmer takes a half step back, steadies himself, and kicks the hunter square in the groin as hard as he can.
The hunter gasps, screams like an animal, falls on the ground, curls up in a knot, turns 3 shades of purple, and nearly dies.
After a full half hour and with considerable difficulty, the hunter straightens up, gasps again, and in a high strained voice says, "Now... my... turn!
The farmer reply: "Nah, I give up. Here's your duck."
(Thanks Nick)

Mrs Goldstein was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog caught in a trap. The frog looked up at her and said , "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." Not a person to miss a trick, Mrs Goldstein immediately freed the frog.
The frog thanked her and said "IÕm sorry but I failed to mention that there is a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for yourself, Mr Goldstein will get ten times more or better!"
Mrs Goldstein replied, "ThatÕs OK Ð IÕm happy to accept your condition. For my first wish, I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world.Ó
The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make Mr Goldstein the most handsome man in the world, women will flock to him like bees to honey." Mrs Goldstein replied, "ItÕs not a problem, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, "KAZAM!!" -- Mrs Goldstein is the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, Mrs Goldstein asked to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make Mr Goldstein the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
Mrs Goldstein said, "ItÕs not a problem, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, "KAZAM!!"- Mrs Goldstein is the richest woman in the world! The frog then enquired about her third wish to which Mrs Goldstein answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
(Thanks Rina. You win this week's star prize, a copy of Wallace & Gromit's cartoon adventures in a comic called 'The Bootiful Game'; mail us postal address if you wants it.)

Please send jokes. Jokes can win you prizes of stuff lying around the Venue office. Next week's star prize is either a DVD of classic surfie flick, 'Big Wednesday', or the leadership of the Conservative party, whichever's easiest.

Alternately, send us a joke on behalf of your club, charity or flock of deadly plague-infested migrating birds and we'll give you some lovely free publicity by giving everyone on the mailing list the address of your website. So just hit that reply button and get joking.

Some websites for you

Death metallers compete to see who can come up with the most offensive track titles. Very offensive indeed.
www.livejournal.com

Creative taxidermy
www.customcreaturetaxidermy.com
(Thanks Paul)

Talk to God. This site is amazing!
www.titane.ca
(Thanks Julian)

Official site for 'The Corpse Bride'. Pretty damn cool.
corpsebridemovie.warnerbros.com

It's an advert for a dating agency, but quite funny.
www.makelovehappen.co.uk

The best resignation letter ever. If it's true.
www.allowe.com

Just the thing to show those pesky trick or treaters come Halloween
www.squackle.com

Five year old kid does death metal. Awesome!
www.purevolume.com

And finally A lovely little animated movie with some local references. Very sentimental, in a guy kind of way.
www.atomfilms.com
(Thanks Simon)

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