This week's SPAM, fresh from the tin.     [Get your very own SPAM here]

Don't You Want me Baby?

Get your ra-ra skirt on, grow some designer stubble and go out for this week's Venue. When the newsagent has finished laughing, you'll see there's loads good stuff in it, like:

1980s REVISITED – What were YOU doing back then? Making a killing on Wall Street? Working as a waitress in a cocktail bar? Join us as we take a nostalgic look (and occasionally cringe) at Bristol in the 1980s.

FASHIONWORKS – There's a big Bristol fashion orgy this weekend taking in hair, haute couture and performances to launch the city's newest creative area.

PLUS … James Blunt interviewed … comedian Jimmy Carr interview … WIN!! Horror stuff … Good autumn leaves guide … and LOADS more, including your complete ten-day what's on guide.

For going out or staying in, Venue has it all. Don’t miss out – place a regular order for Venue with your newsagent now* or we'll show everyone the photos of you with a mullet**. In 2003.

*Or just phone 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for only £4.49 a month!

** The hairstyle, not the fish. Nobody would be embarrassed to be photographed with a fish. Unless it's a Siamese Embarrassing Fish.

Jokes

Q. what do you call an exploding monkey?
A. a babOOOOOOOOOOOOm
(Thanks Sara)

President Bush has just released a statement following his investigation into the New Orleans disaster - he's blaming the whole thing on a Muslim suicide plumber.
(Thanks Pam)

An older Jewish bloke was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
(Thanks Jack)

Q: What do you do if a bird shits on your car?
A: Don't ask her out again.
(Thanks Jack)

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....he in the upper bunk and she in the lower one.
At 1:00 AM, the man reached down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f**king blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.
(Thanks Pfnapf Pfnapf)

A guy goes into a butcher's and asks "have you got a pig's head?"
"Yes!" replies the butcher.
"Brilliant" says the man. "I'll have some chops then Porky-Pig-Face!!!"
(Thanks Ronnie)

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."
The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.
When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed "You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month ... " the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer will-power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man, shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know" said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Homebase either."
(Thanks Jake. You win this week's star prize; we have the new Darryl Hall & John Oates single, the new Cardigans single and a whole album of "party starter remixes" courtesy of Will Smith. Mmmmmmm! Smug! Mail us an address if you wants them.)

Please send jokes. Send it on your own behalf and you could win something from the Venue office. Next week's star prize will be a Wallace & Gromit cartoon book. Send us a joke on behalf of your club, society or loony wax-fruit-worshipping new age cult, and we'll tell all 4,000 of our spamvictims your web address. Just send your jokes in reply to this mail and that'll be lovely.

TOP TIP FOR THE WEEK
Following the disastrous fire in which the whole history of Aardman Animations was burned down, most of Bristol was covered in a fine coating of ash. Go out now and collect some of it in a jar. You might make a few quid selling authentic Wallace & Gromit memorabilia on eBay. And nobody else has thought of doing it ' yet '

Now look at these

Amazing beer advert from Australia
www.bigad.com.au
(Thanks Paul)

Can you tell the difference between computer boffins and serial killers?
www.malevole.com
(Thanks Sara)

Lucy wants a plug for this as it's her mate's site:
www.benevolent-rebecca.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk

Stars everyone thinks are dead, but aren't. Interesting.
www.dpsinfo.com
(Thanks Mike)

Oooh you have GOT to see this. Venue's music editor calls it "a thing of great beauty". Which it is.
www.ubu.com
(Thanks Julian)

The Gallery of Regrettable Food
www.lileks.com

If she means it, this woman needs sectioning. If she doesn't, she's a comic genius.
www.atomfilms.com

Make faces
www.channel4.com

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