This week's SPAM, fresh from the tin.     [Get your very own SPAM here]

If you're a woman, or have ever met any women, you'll need this week's edition of Venue. There are many reasons for this, like:

WEST'S WONDER-WOMEN - Venue's just acquired its first female editor, so to celebrate, we've picked out Bristol and Bath's most powerful, creative and persuasive women for the definitive list of sisters who are doing it for themselves.

INSIDE OUT - Completely free with this issue, your 78-page guide to making your home and garden a lot better, from antique furniture to eco-friendly houses.

PLUS WIN Nathan Barley DVDs Meet BB6 winner Anthony Greater Bristol's transport plans Bath Film Festival Royksopp come to town KT Tunstall interviewed John Shuttleworth interviewed And LOADS more, including your complete ten-day entertainment guide.

Whether you're going out or staying in, Venue has it all! Don't miss out - place a regular order for Venue with your newsagent now* or we'll tell everyone how you faked that photo of you running the Bristol Half Marathon while you actually spent all day in bed eating biscuits.

* Or just phone 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for only £4.49 a month!

Jokes

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.
After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"
The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."
"So", Smartie says. "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."
Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in.
As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.
The Lockets take one look at jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh.
After a while they get bored and walk out.
Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood.
He turns to Smartie and says, "I thought you were going to look after me."
"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f*ckin' menthol!".
(Thanks Janey)

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, Bush looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
(Thanks to the several of you who sent that one in)

He said I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said You wear pants don't you?

He said Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said I would but you're never there.

He said Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said They don't have time

He said Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
She said They already have boyfriends.

She said What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said A widow.

He said Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
(Thanks Jake)

The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied, only a little while.
The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?
The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.
The American then asked, "but what do you do with the rest of your time?"
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then?"
The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."
"Millions ... Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
(Thanks Nick. You win this week's top joke prize, which is a copy of a book called 'Clevedon's Sporting Heroes' and a review copy of the new Rick Astley album. Do we spoil you, or what? Mail us an address if you wants them.)

Spam need jokes. Jokes make people smile. Spam make people smile. Smiling people buy Venue. Everyone happy. Send joke reply to this mail and win some crap. Send joke on behalf of club, charity or campaign for restoration of definite and indefinite articles and Venue spam will tell readers URL of your website.

APPEAL: You in a book group? Want to tell us about it? We're running a piece on book groups in a couple of weeks' time and would like to talk to lots and lots of people round these parts who read books and talk about them. Just mail in reply to this here mailing and we'll be in touch. Mmmmm! Literary!

In which we surf

Keepie-uppies
news.bbc.co.uk
(Thanks Kit)

People's little secrets
postsecret.blogspot.com

Visiting California anytime soon?
www.dearlydepartedtours.com

Take the time to read this. It's astonishing.
www3.tky.3web.ne.jp

"Quotes from the American Taliban"
www.reandev.com

Apparently we won't be able to run our cars on dead cats after all.
edition.cnn.com

Irving the Socially-Awkward Bee
www.alldumb.com

Use the wonder of modern technology to dump your bf/gf
www.goodbyebitch.com

Yaay! Celebrity plastic surgery gone wrong!
www.awfulplasticsurgery.com

Celebrity eye test
www.eyeshaveit.co.uk

A collection of other people's shopping lists
www.redhotscott.co.uk

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